All I can think about is food! AHHHH!!! I soooo hate this! The pain from the surgery has been more than bearable, but the hunger I’m suffering from is NOT! I have to constantly eat because of my freakin’ high ass metabolism and this whole eating nothing but soup bit is not helping! I take about an hour or so to eat the damn soup and that in and of itself is a work out, so by the time I’m done with the soup, I’m just as hungry as when I first began. This is such a twisted cycle!

Your Smile

In a world
Shrouded by Midnight,
Purity knows no words
To describe your might.

My beacon of joy,
Standing tall and right;
For your touch, a kiss–
I’d climb a mountainous height.

For when Pain reaches
Far beyond a mile,
For comfort and salvation–
I look to your smile.

When all the world’s gone awry
And wind and rain wage war,
The warmth you exude
Will still be felt from within my core.

A diamond in the rough,
A precious jewel to behold,
Intriguing facets of your personality
Have me acting absolutely bold.

Bound by heartbreak,
Separated by distance,
With you in my life,
I gladly welcome existence.

Thinking of you,
Your giggle, your smile,
My heart skips a beat
With every dial.

The sun now shines
In this desolate place of my heart,
Decimated by heartbreak,
But now alive because of your part.

Though life hands you shit
Pile after pile,
True happiness knows nothing
Without your smile…

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…hungry…

I had oral surgery today and got all 3 of my wisdom teeth pulled. They knocked me out with nitrous and by the time I came to, I was apparently already walking to the car to go get my prescription. I’m recuperating now, but ugh, I can’t eat yet. Damn it this is painful–not so much the pain in my mouth, but the pain of not being able to eat, grrrr! Whatever, I’m glad this is finally getting taken care of now instead of me delaying the inevitable…

I went ice skating at X20s last night. It was a fun, but very somber time for me. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, and some that I didn’t particularly want to see, but whatever, I don’t think I’m allowed to say such things since I’m a facilitator and all. Sometimes, it sucks being in positions where you have to maintain a good demeanor and have a neutral disposition because it means you can’t ever let your emotions get the best of you, but I guess that can be a good thing…

It’s set now, I’m going to Hong Kong in February for about a week. It’ll be my first time back in Asia in a very long time, but I think it’ll be good for me. I’m going there with John, who’s been there before and has friends, so at least I won’t be completely clueless as to what all there is to do there. It should be a fun and exciting experience for me. Mom and Dad are already writing up their list of what they want from there, so I’m going to pack light so I can bring back a lot of crap, hehe. I have to promise myself that I won’t shop too much while I’m there though, at least not for myself that is. This should be a difficult and daunting task considering so much of the clothes there will fit me nicely as opposed to the clothes here. Robert will have already been there when I arrive, so perhaps we’ll hang out and go clubbing together as well. It’s been almost 4 years since I’ve left the country and I’m thoroughly excited about the trip; it’ll mark the beginning of a chain of traveling ventures for me this semester so it’ll be good times!

So I’ve noticed that in conversations, whether it be on AIM or in person, most people tend to ask the question “How’s life?” My usual response is, “I’m okay, just surviving,” etc., but I’ve realized that a better response would be that I’m alive–I’m living. Everything that’s happened in my life–all the good times and all the shit–has happened for a reason, and whether I like it or not, I’m grateful for it because I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am now if those events hadn’t happened. I’m not quite sure if I’m just rationalizing the direction my life is going, but I’d like to think that I’m making an observation that should have been made earlier because it has definitely helped me in my healing process. In talking to my friends–especially the ones who also suffered heartbreak–our break-ups have happened for a reason. The relationship, as great as it may have been, was a growing experience and it just probably wasn’t meant to be. I guess I’m kind of a believer in fate, so things usually work out in the end–karma ya know? For me at least, I think my break up with Chris has helped me realize just how important my friends are, and has enabled me to open my eyes and meet some new and incredible people–you all know who you are…

I’ve a new hunger for life now, not because I can’t eat anything and I’m absolutely famished because of the surgery, but because I feel that my life has honestly just begun. Before, I think that I was just too unfamiliar with things and I was really just feeling around trying to see what works. I was so preoccupied with my great plan for life that I really wasn’t alive; I went through the motions and all but I don’t actually think that i was living–not in the way that I wanted to live. I was talking to Eric a couple of nights ago and he brought it to my attention that I’m not a kid anymore; I have choices now and I’ve the final say in how my life turns out. I want to live and die without any regrets, I want to surround myself with true friends who love and appreciate me for all that I am–the good and the bad, I want to find someone who loves me for me and will embrace my faults just as much as he embraces my positive attributes, I want the world to know that I’m the luckiest man alive and am truly grateful for it, I want to be me; too ambitious? I don’t think so…

I drove back up to Berkeley today and it wasn’t a bad drive at all. I took the 99 as usual and basically blazed through it doing 90 the majority of the way. I got into Berkeley just before they shut down a part of the 580, which had traffic backed up to the Bay Bridge. That felt nice to finally catch a break!

I reorganized my room tonight; I moved my heavy-ass bed to where my computer desk was and basically flipped the whole room around. I have space to do my yoga and exercise routine now, so I like it. I brought a container full of clothes home to store in my walk-in at home, but I also did some shopping while I was down there and now my closet is full again, ugh. I’m running out of closet space, and after my trip to Hong Kong in February, I just know that I won’t have any space left, ah well.

I went to visit some friends at UCLA Monday night. It was like a mini high school reunion, hehe, it was really nice to just sit and reminisce with each other about high school again. High school was just so simple and easy, ugh, too bad we can’t all go back to those oblivious times.

So it seems that this hasn’t exactly been the season for love. A handful of my friends have apparently had to endure difficult break-ups with their significant others. Though it’s good to know that I’m not alone, this particular feeling of emptiness and solitude is one thing that I would never wish on anyone, well, maybe if they were on my blacklist, but you’d have to try really hard to get on that, but I digress. I wish there was something that I can do to eliminate this, for lack of a better word, sucky feeling. Although my wound is still pretty fresh and raw, I have nonetheless been forced to move on, and I know it was for the better. I drowned myself in Sarah McLachlan a lot, but finally, I just had to wake up and realize that there’s life after love, and more importantly, there’s love still to be found after it’s all said and done. So many wonderful people have come back into my life that I never really took the opportunity to get to know before, and now, I’m richer for it. To Sebastian: you’re such a wonderful boi and you deserve only the best! Be strong and know that your friends are always here for you. You’ve no idea how much you’ve brightened my world, and I can only hope I can return the favor somehow. To Arnold: Go listen to Sarah McLachlan’s Time off of her album Afterglow! It’s the SHIET and it helped me a lot. Just remember, you’re growing from this experience, and you’ll only become more aware of what you want. Time heals all my friend.

Hmmm…I’m gonna go to sleep now, I had difficulty sleeping down in SoCal–I would wake up at like 6am or so, how crazy is that?! Whatever, I think I’ll go buy my books tomorrow. It’s scheduled to rain, but hopefully it won’t rain too hard.

My break is quickly coming to a close and I’ll have to start school again soon, ugh! I’m soooooo not looking forward to this semester. I’ll be taking somewhere along the lines of 25+ units this semester, and I sincerely hope that I can keep everything up. I was rather enjoying the sub-20 unit work load, but if I want to graduate in the fall, I have to just buckle down and pile through the rest of these classes. A part of me wants to just say, fuck it and take my double and graduate already without any honors, but then there’s that “over-achieving” side of me that is so kindly pointed out to me by all of my friends that’s telling me that I’m sooooo utterly close to finishing my triple with plenty of time for my honors–ahhhh, the choices!

So although I promised to be better about my shopping habit, I just can’t help it when a sale is staring you in the face, or if a really really cute shirt is screaming for you to try it on! Anyhow, long story short, South Coast Plaza beckoned with oh so Sirenous voices and I answered the call. The consequences: from BR: really cute socks, a black knitted sweater, and a cute pair of black pants; from AnF: a couple of cute new shirts; from Express for Men: a black jacket; from DKNY: a cute new shirt, and that’s all folks, but there are soooo many other things that I wanted to get!!! Ugh, this resolution thing is really hard!

Anyhow, I’m driving back up on Tuesday. I’m going to miss LA, it definitely has its charm, not to mention cute bois, but yeah, it’s going to be sad to go back up to the busy and hectic world of Berkeley. I’m kind of tired of the scene in SF, especially because it’s almost non-existent, or too old to really be enticing, but whatever, you do what you have to do. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I’ll be doing with my life after I graduate, and Lord knows my parents and relatives have been asking me, but I honestly don’t know whether I’ll be going to law school or graduate school yet. Right now, it seems more than likely that I’ll be going to grad school, but then there’s the whole issue of where. I had thought that I was going to go out of state, but after this break, I’m not so sure. My original intention was to just get out of CA because I’ve been here far too long and need a change of scenery, but I know I’ll miss it too much and will just wind up being miserable wherever I am. I don’t really mind being in NY, but I don’t think I can stand the weather; it’s just a little bit too extreme for me. For some strange reason, UCLA actually found its way into my list of possible grad/law schools, but I’m really trying to beat it out of my head. One of the main reasons why I chose to go to Berkeley was because it was far away from my family. UCLA would put me right within driving distance, and my family would probably have me home either every weekend or living at home permanently–not something I want to do. Also, although I love the convenience in parking, housing, weather, and shopping here in SoCal, I’m not exactly fond of the type of people we have down here–especially in the community. There are simply far too many bitchy, superficial, and artificial people here in SoCal, and being that I’m from the area and have lived her most of my life, I’m allowed to say this. Ugh, too many damn choices–the burdens of a free society…

I’m going to do my laundry and pack tomorrow, then hang out with some friends at UCLA, it should be fun and refreshing. Time for sleep now, nyght nyght.

I’m back home in Long Beach again, and this time, I’m having the time of my life. The drive down here wasn’t that bad, well, not until I hit LA and rush hour traffic that is, but even then, it wasn’t that bad. My friends and I decided to go to Las Vegas because we’re all 21 now and can gamble, so we went and had a ball…

I hadn’t been back to Vegas in just under a decade, so a lot of the stuff was rather new to me and I was simply flabberghasted by the grandeur of almost every hotel. We went around looking at most of them and taking pictures that made us appear as if we stayed at them, lol; it was some good times! My favorite out of all the hotels that we went to see was the Bellagio. It was simply magnificent. They used real flowers in this inside garden scene and to top it all off, their buffet was just out of this world! If anyone is ever in Vegas and wants a lot of great food for a low price, go to the Bellagio buffet, and play keno while you eat! So that was the tourist aspect of it; I also tried my hand at gambling…

Gambling is fun, but is definitely addicting, lol. I found my niche at the nickle slots, and my lady luck’s name was Elvira, hehe. I hit it “big” multiple times at the Rio at their Elvira nickle slot machines. Have you ever seen 800 nickles before? LOL, I have! Yeah, needless to say, I was like a child in a candy store shrieking and bouncing up and down every time I heard those coins clinking into my coin trough! Ahhh, more good times! I’ve developed a strategy though, so the next time I go to Vegas, all I’m really playing are the Elvira slot machines, hehe. Herb had a plan of his own. He wasn’t in it for the money, he just wanted the free drinks, lol. I was cracking up the first night we were there and he revealed his plan to me. I was almost rolling on the floor watching him pretend to put coins in and push buttons until the waitress got back to him, lol. Anyhow, most of us weren’t really gamblers though and so we had a lot of fun at the midways–the one at Circus Circus was Mike’s favorite. Ritchie, Herb, and I got caught in a war in air hockey. Let me just go on record now and say that I have never seen anyone more intense than Ritchie in air hockey; I swear he was like an Amazon at times grunting and throwing his whole body into the game, lol! We also played SPOONS after our long days out. So it’s a fun game, but highly DANGEROUS and hazardous to your health, but only when Ritchie, Herb, and Mike are involved! The images I saw during those games have been burned into my mind forever, and I have the battle scars to prove it! Somewhere out there, there are chunks of our skin laying around on the mattress, lol! So we also went clubbing as well at this one place called the Free Zone. Ok, let me just say that I love CA! So there aren’t any laws in Nevada that prevent people from smoking in public places, so everywhere we went, people were smoking and taking precious years off of our lives, but I digress. In this one particular club, they were having a kind of strip show, but the guys couldn’t dance, and they were dragging it out FAR TOO LONG! Their show took like an hour and a half, and that was too long considering the fact that it WASN’T entertaining! We did finally get on the dance floor though and got to work out asses somewhat, but we wound up leaving early because it was getting late. Anyhow, to sum it all up, Vegas was great and a large part of that was because of the company I shared it with! From walkin’ miles on end to get from one end of the Strip to the other to eating far beyond what we thought our stomach capacities were, from air hockey to ski ball, from SPOONS to nickle slots, I had a ball! Here’s to a great time filled with many wonderful memories, all made possible by an incredible bunch of friends!!!

On a side note, I was kind of distracted for the greater part of my time in Vegas though. I was without internet access for quite some time and really missed reading Sebastian’s emails. Thank goodness for cell phones though, otherwise we’d have been incommunicado for a week. It’s always nice to hear his voice, and he makes me smile.

So after getting in from Vegas yesterday, I decided that I wante to go out since I won’t be down here for that long. I got to hang out with some of my frat brothers to celebrate one of our brother’s 21st birthdays, and that was fun. It’s been a long time since I last drank and just shot the shit with my bros–ah memories. I went clubbing afterwards with Steven though at GAMeBoi, and let me just say that I had the time of my life! I haven’t been to Tigerheat lately, but if I had to choose now, I’d have to say that GAMeBoi is my favorite! They were bumpin’ some really good music and I had such a great time just dancing the night away! There were some seriously cute guys there, but it’s too bad I’m not down here long enough to go clubbin’ again around WeHO, ah well. When Britney’s songs came on though, I kind of wished Sebastian was there. He really likes Britney’s new album and it would have been fun to dance with him, ah well, hopefully soon…

Ok, shower time!

I finished reading “The Snow Garden” tonight. It wasn’t exactly the ending I was looking for, but it definitely left me thinking about who we are as people, and how others perceive us. There are so many decisions that we make in our lives, and it doesn’t just affect us, it has a rippling effect and can potentially harm others we care about. Christopher Rice is an amazing writer and I can’t wait until his next book comes out. Thanks for introducing me to him Chris!

So a lot has happened lately. I finally got my pay raise at Blue and Gold, and I’m now making $15+ an hour, so I’m really jazzed about that, just not about the union initiation fee I’ll have to pay later, lol. I finally got my last grade back for the Fall semester and it completes the sweep of A’s. I don’t get to say this much, but I’m really proud of myself. This has definitely been one of the more trying semesters for me, and probably one of the most trying times in my life, but I’ve made it through, albeit a bit roughed up and with a few emotional scars, but they’re healing–they just need some time…

I’ve been hanging out with my friends pretty often lately. Throughout my time here at Cal, my friends have stuck by me through all the good and bad times, and I’m really grateful for them. I don’t think I get to tell them how much I appreciate them as often as I’d like, but I hope they know that I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them. In my darkest hours, when all hope seemed to have faded with the setting of the sun, my friends brought light back into my life. No matter where I go or what I do, they have always accepted me for who I am, and have always made me feel at home. For those of you reading this, thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!

A couple of nights ago, I had an amazing phone conversation with a friend of mine. He actually took me by surprise because I had already gone to bed and dozed off for like 20 minutes or so, but then the phone rang and his name popped up on the display. We’ve been involved in a barrage of phone tag given our busy and conflicting schedules, but we finally got to talk the night before last and it was just awesome! I haven’t had a conversation like that in quite some time, and the two hours that we talked just flew by. It’s always nice to be able to find someone whom you can just talk to about the most random things, and still be fully engaged in the conversation. Our world is such a fast-paced and driven society that there always has to be a purpose for a call, or a motive, but it’s nice to be able to just talk about any random thing–about whatever comes into mind. Each human is so absolutely unique and special in his or her own way; we all have so much to offer to others, but oftentimes, most people just don’t have the time to discover these hidden jewels. Fortunately for me, a precious one is before me; it pains me then to see him hurt…

Although my new year is progressing well and in a direction that appears to be fun, a friend of mine doesn’t appear to be as fortunate. Like me, his heart was broken, on multiple occasions, and he doesn’t deserve it–not one little crack. He is pure in heart, soul, and mind, but the scandalous acts committed against him have tarnished his faith in people, and in love. I don’t know what I can say to him to help ease the pain, but hopefully he knows that his friends are here for him. Pain is not an emotion to be taken lightly. It is a formidable foe, and must not be met alone. I know it hurts now, but know that you’re not alone. For what it’s worth, I’ll stand by you and we’ll weather the storm together. In my darkest hour, and when I had lost faith in the possibility of good people existing, you came into my world and showed me that there are still good, honest, and caring people out there. With every email, you bring a smile to my face, and in your dark hour, I can only hope I can do the same for you…

A new year has begun and life doesn’t seem to be getting any easier…

I was talking to Travis today and we were reminiscing about how it seems like it was only yesterday that we were all little freshman just starting out at Cal, and now we’re all looking towards graduation and the rest of our lives; it’s amazing how these past 4 years have gone by so quickly. I often wonder what would have happened if certain things hadn’t happened the way they did in my life. History and the past are so intricately woven together by the strands of fate and time that I couldn’t possibly imagine my life being the way that it is now had I not made the little choices I’ve made. That being said, I think the choices that I’ve yet to make will be absolutely crucial to the outcome of my life and the obstacles I’ll experience as a result of it…

I know it’s a bit late, but here are my New Year’s resolutions:

1. Sleep more: I really need to start taking care of myself better. I often overwork myself, as is brought to my attention more than often by more than enough friends, so maybe I’ll try to listen this year…I said I’ll TRY, but no promises.

2. Eat more: I don’t really need help with this because I’m such a pig as it is with food, but I do need to develop a more consistent eating habit. I often skip breakfast because I don’t have time for it, and I usually will have a really late lunch because my day is so busy, and as a result of that, I usually have a really late dinner as well; this needs to definitely change.

3. Take more time out for myself: this is kind of tying into my first resolution. I really do need more “me” time. Throughout my life, I’ve budgeted my time according to classes, community service commitments, jobs, etc. but I’ve never really budgeted any time for myself just to do whatever it is that I want to do–not healthy. I really need to do this to keep my sanity.

4. Don’t procrastinate: ok, this has been my resolution for multiple year’s now, and I really believe that I did an admirable job at accomplishing this resolution this year. I really focused on my studies despite other things happening in my life, but I got through it and handled my shit in the end; I’d like to continue the roll I’m on in this area, but I just hope that I don’t get overwhelmed with all the stuff I’m doing this year.

5. Balance: I really need to learn to say no when new enterprising opportunities present themselves, but gosh darn it, opportunities in life are so hard to come by it’s difficult not to take advantage of them all and do everything there is to do, ugh, the choices, the choices.

6. Read more: I really enjoy reading, but I never really have the time for it. That must change this year, especially since it’s part of resolution #3.

7. Go to the gym more: there are sooooo many hott guys at the gym, I gotta check ‘em all! LOL, only kidding, hehe. No, although I’m as thin as twig, I’d really like to work on toning up my body and hopefully building up some muscle mass. Ideally, I’d like to have a defined 6-pack by the end of the year, but that’ll mean a strict regimen of going to the gym at least twice a week. The work out I have now with 100 sit ups, 300 stomach crunches, and 100 push ups is just not working, but then again, I may be doing something wrong…

8. Travel more: in light of the resolution and promise I’ve made to myself to allocate more time for myself, I want to travel more. Here’s what I’m definitely doing in the fall: going to NY sometime before April. Perhaps I’ll go there for my birthday and spring break. I’m going to Hong Kong in February–we have President’s day off, so I’m going to take a week off to just have fun in HK (SHOPPING, SHOPPING, and more SHOPPING!). I still need to go back to Europe, I really miss my German family, so I have to go back to visit them, not to mention visit some places that I didn’t get to see the last time I was there in 2000. I want to go to Hawaii for like a week in the summer. I haven’t been there yet, and I have some friends that I’m dying to visit there, so we’ll see what’s in store then.

9. Apply for more scholarships/fellowships: I’ve been at Cal for 3 years now, and have less than 10 scholarships to my name. With the rate in which fees are being raised, I need to come up with other scholarships to support myself of here–not a cheap thing to do. I’m up for a fellowship now that’s worth $20,000, but I’m not sure if I’ll get that. I’m past the first round already, but now I have to compete at the national level against people from Harvard, Princeton, etc., so the competition has definitely gotten stiffer, but who knows, maybe someone up there likes me and will smile on me this one time…

10. Get more involved with the community

11. Shop LESS: Although shopping is therapeutic for me, it is definitely burning a hole in my budget, so I really have to make a conscious effort to spend less. Maybe it’ll start with minor things like cooking my own meals instead of eating out, not dropping $500 at a time on a shopping trip, etc. This one will be hard, but it’ll definitely give me more stability with my financial choices.

Ok, that was a long list of resolutions, but hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish them all. I think I should reward myself if I do. Hmmm…perhaps I’ll reward myself with a shopping spree when I’m traveling, lol! Ok, I’m gonna go work on one of my resolutions now and read…yay!

It’s the first day of the new year and I’m hoping things will be bright…

Last night was a weird and wild night. I went to party hopping, then club hopping with some friends, and it was fun, but definitely not satisfying. The first party we went to was hosted by a friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in more than 4 years, so it was nice to see him again. Unfortunately, that party wasn’t exactly as lively as I had hoped it would be, so we bounced after being there for like half an hour or so. The second party we went to definitely had more people there, but was about as comfortable for me as laying on a bed of cactus. It was a total rice queen’s party where I was objectified by the non-Asians and got sneers from the Asians. I was thoroughly annoyed at how bitchy queer bois can be when they get a little bit of alcohol in them, ugh, but whatever. After we counted down the New Year, I decided that I wanted to go clubbing. I knew that I had all of today free and that I was going to be able to sleep in, so I wanted to get my fill of fun to ring in the new year. We tried Badlands first, but the line was ridiculously long, so we hopped back into the car and went to the ‘N Touch instead. Talk about objectification to the extreme! LOL. We got there kind of late, and there was like 45 minutes left til they were going to close, but we decided to give it a try anyway. It was pretty fun with some cute bois there, but the one that I thought was really cute wound up leaving early to avoid the rush at the end. We made eye contact like on 10 different occasions, but neither of us was aggressive enough to make the first move, lol, so we just stood there looking at each other. Geez, that would have been a good time for me to be drunk, but I was too damn sober to risk anything. Ah well. I got hit on by a lot of white guys again, some old, some middle-aged, some young, but none were really cute, ah well. Well, that was my new year’s eve, rather uneventful I would say, but at least I got to get out of the house. I’ll have to plan better next year–hopefully I’ll have someone to share it with next year, but I’ll leave that to fate…

They say that what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger…well, if that’s the case, then I must be Superman by now…

This winter break has been a tumultuous one. I finally got to go back home to Long Beach to see my family. Although I didn’t get to stay down there all that long, I really did enjoy it; it was refreshing to just lounge around at home not doing anything. Mom and dad all thought that I was really skinny and that I wasn’t eating enough up here, so they overfed me the whole time while I was down there. It was nice to be spoiled with all my favorite foods, but goodness, they just didn’t know how to stop. I swear, I had about 6 meals a day while I was down there, and my mom still wanted me to eat more. I don’t think they quite understand the genes they’ve passed on to me–I can’t get fat, no matter how much I eat, no matter how hard I’ve tried; sadly, it just doesn’t work. I was also fighting a cold while I was down there, so I slept most of the time as well. I think I slept some 16 hours one day, lol, and I was still tired! Mom cancelled our Direct TV subscription though, so it was rather mundane being sick and stuck in the house that whole time. The weather didn’t necessarily help either as it rained pretty much the whole time I was there–how crappy is that?! I leave a dreary nor cal for the hopes of so cal sun, and instead, I’m met with gloom and dreariness–ugh, you just can’t escape bay area weather!

I hate LAX with a passion. There was all but like 300 people flying on Christmas day, and they decide to elevate the security level up to orange. I didn’t have much of a problem with that, but they took away curbside drop off AND were checking EVERY SINGLE PIECE of luggage, with only ONE security station! They beefed up security with all these people, and yet there’s only ONE freakin’ security station! WTF?! Ugh, stupid LAX, all their employees have the worst attitudes and the dumbest security measures. This whole TSA/Homeland Security shit is really getting on my nerves now, ugh! Fuckin’ Bush!

Justin picked me up from the airport and we had a nice simple Christmas dinner at the apartment. He brought the ham and sweet potatoes, and I brought the fried rice–nothing like a fusion holiday feast! I’m eating the fried rice that mom made me bring up now, and I’m really glad she forced me to bring it up. I gave her a really hard time for everything she did for me while I was down there, and all she was really trying to do was look out for me. I’m such an ingrate of a son, ugh, I’ll have to make it up to her when I go back down there–maybe I’ll eat a lot and try to gain some weight for her, lol!

So the two year chapter of my life is over now. The end had been nearing for some time now, and the countdown had begun earlier this month, but now, the reality of it all is finally settling in. I came home from work Friday night to find his desk was gone, amongst other things. I can’t even begin to describe the hollowing feeling I felt the moment I saw that bare space next to my desk, the empty walls, the empty section of the closet. While these physical voids can be filled in with superfluous things, the emotional and psychological void that his absence was creating would never be filled. When he leaves on Monday, a part of me will be leaving with him. Although it’s over between us, I still can’t help but care about him and what happens to him. I guess this is how mother’s must feel when they have to let go of their children. To have someone who was physically a part of you leave you, severing an emotional bond with their distance, their quest for self-identity, this is the emptiness that results…

We basically said our goodbyes last night. I held him one last time. The moment I felt his touch again, I couldn’t hold back the tears, they just kept screaming out–desperately trying to hold on to a two year love inferno that had been reduced to a flicker of friendship. I cried for the loss of my boyfriend, my lover, my best friend, and a huge part of my life. I cried for all the good and bad times we had together. I cried for the memories we will always share. I cried for me…

There weren’t enough words in the English language to describe all the emotions I was feeling last night. As my emotions raced up and down, leaving me in a state of numbness, I sat pondering where life would take me now. I’m still not sure what will happen to me, or what I will become, but Lord, give me the strength to survive it all. I wrote him a letter tonight. I dropped it into one of his bags of clothes as i was helping him bring down the remainders of his belongings. I’m not sure if he’ll find it, but I hope he does.

They say that sometimes, we’re lucky enough to have some truly great people touch our lives and drastically change the course of our life; Christopher, you are one of those great people, and my life certainly would not be anywhere near what it is today without you. For all that I am, and for all that I will be, a large part of it is because of you. You taught me how to love, how to be loved, and its true meaning, and for that, I am forever grateful. Thank you.