January 16, 2004
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…hungry…
I had oral surgery today and got all 3 of my wisdom teeth pulled. They knocked me out with nitrous and by the time I came to, I was apparently already walking to the car to go get my prescription. I’m recuperating now, but ugh, I can’t eat yet. Damn it this is painful–not so much the pain in my mouth, but the pain of not being able to eat, grrrr! Whatever, I’m glad this is finally getting taken care of now instead of me delaying the inevitable…
I went ice skating at X20s last night. It was a fun, but very somber time for me. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, and some that I didn’t particularly want to see, but whatever, I don’t think I’m allowed to say such things since I’m a facilitator and all. Sometimes, it sucks being in positions where you have to maintain a good demeanor and have a neutral disposition because it means you can’t ever let your emotions get the best of you, but I guess that can be a good thing…
It’s set now, I’m going to Hong Kong in February for about a week. It’ll be my first time back in Asia in a very long time, but I think it’ll be good for me. I’m going there with John, who’s been there before and has friends, so at least I won’t be completely clueless as to what all there is to do there. It should be a fun and exciting experience for me. Mom and Dad are already writing up their list of what they want from there, so I’m going to pack light so I can bring back a lot of crap, hehe. I have to promise myself that I won’t shop too much while I’m there though, at least not for myself that is. This should be a difficult and daunting task considering so much of the clothes there will fit me nicely as opposed to the clothes here. Robert will have already been there when I arrive, so perhaps we’ll hang out and go clubbing together as well. It’s been almost 4 years since I’ve left the country and I’m thoroughly excited about the trip; it’ll mark the beginning of a chain of traveling ventures for me this semester so it’ll be good times!
So I’ve noticed that in conversations, whether it be on AIM or in person, most people tend to ask the question “How’s life?” My usual response is, “I’m okay, just surviving,” etc., but I’ve realized that a better response would be that I’m alive–I’m living. Everything that’s happened in my life–all the good times and all the shit–has happened for a reason, and whether I like it or not, I’m grateful for it because I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am now if those events hadn’t happened. I’m not quite sure if I’m just rationalizing the direction my life is going, but I’d like to think that I’m making an observation that should have been made earlier because it has definitely helped me in my healing process. In talking to my friends–especially the ones who also suffered heartbreak–our break-ups have happened for a reason. The relationship, as great as it may have been, was a growing experience and it just probably wasn’t meant to be. I guess I’m kind of a believer in fate, so things usually work out in the end–karma ya know? For me at least, I think my break up with Chris has helped me realize just how important my friends are, and has enabled me to open my eyes and meet some new and incredible people–you all know who you are…
I’ve a new hunger for life now, not because I can’t eat anything and I’m absolutely famished because of the surgery, but because I feel that my life has honestly just begun. Before, I think that I was just too unfamiliar with things and I was really just feeling around trying to see what works. I was so preoccupied with my great plan for life that I really wasn’t alive; I went through the motions and all but I don’t actually think that i was living–not in the way that I wanted to live. I was talking to Eric a couple of nights ago and he brought it to my attention that I’m not a kid anymore; I have choices now and I’ve the final say in how my life turns out. I want to live and die without any regrets, I want to surround myself with true friends who love and appreciate me for all that I am–the good and the bad, I want to find someone who loves me for me and will embrace my faults just as much as he embraces my positive attributes, I want the world to know that I’m the luckiest man alive and am truly grateful for it, I want to be me; too ambitious? I don’t think so…
