August 11, 2004

• …dinner and more…

  A couple of nights ago, I went to visit Kim, one of my close friends from high school, who’s now at Stanford for grad school. We had dinner and then went back to her place to catch up on what’s been going on in our lives since we last talked, and she had some pretty profound and insightful things to say about love and life in general…

  No matter how much we try to deny it, each and every one of us is superficial on some level. There has to be that physical attraction that is necessary to spark any real potential of a relationship. This may not be the case with everyone, but it certainly rings true for me. Anyhow, in continuing with this idea of superficiality though, it was brought to my attention that I can be quite superficial in order to gain acceptance. It seems as though I try harder to be accepted by those who mean and matter less to me than those who are truly my friends. The reason being that my true friends will accept me no matter what and so I don’t necessarily try with them anymore, whereas with strangers, I feel as though I have to impress them so as to gain their validation of my existence. The irony of this situation is completely logical, and yet ludicrous at the same time…

  I am who I am. I try to tell myself that every day, but it gets difficult sometimes when I reflect on my life and where I’m at now. Kim says I need to feel rejection in order to know what it is that I want, but I’m such a wuss, I’m too afraid of being rejected, and thus am not really aggressive when it comes to guys. I really should try to get over this, but it seems a bit daunting. Either way, I know I’ll have to deal with it sooner or later, and I just have to remember that whatever happens, I am who I am, and that’s all that matters. If someone doesn’t like me, then that’s not my fault and I can’t blame myself for it. It’s hard trying to reconcile the idea that a guy/person doesn’t like you because of some character flaw of your’s, but rather it’s his own problem that he needs to deal with. The first place most people look when something like that happens is at themselves, but we’re not the root of the problem. Each person has the right to like whatever person they like, and if you don’t happen to be one of them, then that’s ok, move on…

  I think it’s always easy to give advice to your friends, but when it comes to taking your own advice, most of us are hypocrites. It’s always so much more difficult to internalize the words we say, and it oftentimes takes a good friend to sit you down and tell you that you’re wrong. Life’s a learning process, and I’m glad I’m not the only one having difficulty with its lessons…

  For the next year or so, my life will be pretty unstable. I can’t think long-term with anything that I do because within a 6 month period of time, I’ll be in a whole other country, and then when I get back, I’ve no clue as to what or even where I’ll be. I’m trying to live in the present, in the here and the now, but it gets a bit tiresome knowing that I don’t really have any control over my life for the next year or so. I hope I don’t get too lost…

  A lot of things are floating through my head right now, but I need more time to sort them all out…

  I’m looking forward to the end of the month. I’m taking my final vacation before school starts. I’m going to visit a friend in Seattle, it should be fun to be a tourist again. Hopefully the weather holds up and won’t ruin my short time there. I’m trying to be good and not really do any shopping prior to the trip, but I’ve failed miserably already. I just couldn’t resist the sales and so I spent over $500 already on clothes, shoes, and what not. Damn, there goes half of this next paycheck. Oh well, I’ll try to be good while I’m there, but then again, it is a vacation, so we’ll see…

  I was counting all my shoes that I have up here yesterday because I had just bought 5 new pairs and I wanted to see how many more shoe racks I needed to get, and I didn’t realize just exactly how many shoes I had amassed over the years. I have some 50 pairs of shoes up here, I can’t believe it! Ugh, shoes are sooooo my weakness, but whatever, it’s cheaper than having a fetish for cars. Speaking of my new shoes, I finally got the Golas that I wanted, along with a couple of Penguins, Converse, and a pair of Ben Shermans. I’m looking forward to putting them to use. I love accessorizing!

  This summer’s been a wild ride. I’ve had my ups and downs, but it has truly been one of the more enlightening breaks I’ve had in a while, despite not taking any classes…

  • 1:26 am
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