December 28, 2003
-
They say that what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger…well, if that’s the case, then I must be Superman by now…
This winter break has been a tumultuous one. I finally got to go back home to Long Beach to see my family. Although I didn’t get to stay down there all that long, I really did enjoy it; it was refreshing to just lounge around at home not doing anything. Mom and dad all thought that I was really skinny and that I wasn’t eating enough up here, so they overfed me the whole time while I was down there. It was nice to be spoiled with all my favorite foods, but goodness, they just didn’t know how to stop. I swear, I had about 6 meals a day while I was down there, and my mom still wanted me to eat more. I don’t think they quite understand the genes they’ve passed on to me–I can’t get fat, no matter how much I eat, no matter how hard I’ve tried; sadly, it just doesn’t work. I was also fighting a cold while I was down there, so I slept most of the time as well. I think I slept some 16 hours one day, lol, and I was still tired! Mom cancelled our Direct TV subscription though, so it was rather mundane being sick and stuck in the house that whole time. The weather didn’t necessarily help either as it rained pretty much the whole time I was there–how crappy is that?! I leave a dreary nor cal for the hopes of so cal sun, and instead, I’m met with gloom and dreariness–ugh, you just can’t escape bay area weather!
I hate LAX with a passion. There was all but like 300 people flying on Christmas day, and they decide to elevate the security level up to orange. I didn’t have much of a problem with that, but they took away curbside drop off AND were checking EVERY SINGLE PIECE of luggage, with only ONE security station! They beefed up security with all these people, and yet there’s only ONE freakin’ security station! WTF?! Ugh, stupid LAX, all their employees have the worst attitudes and the dumbest security measures. This whole TSA/Homeland Security shit is really getting on my nerves now, ugh! Fuckin’ Bush!
Justin picked me up from the airport and we had a nice simple Christmas dinner at the apartment. He brought the ham and sweet potatoes, and I brought the fried rice–nothing like a fusion holiday feast! I’m eating the fried rice that mom made me bring up now, and I’m really glad she forced me to bring it up. I gave her a really hard time for everything she did for me while I was down there, and all she was really trying to do was look out for me. I’m such an ingrate of a son, ugh, I’ll have to make it up to her when I go back down there–maybe I’ll eat a lot and try to gain some weight for her, lol!
So the two year chapter of my life is over now. The end had been nearing for some time now, and the countdown had begun earlier this month, but now, the reality of it all is finally settling in. I came home from work Friday night to find his desk was gone, amongst other things. I can’t even begin to describe the hollowing feeling I felt the moment I saw that bare space next to my desk, the empty walls, the empty section of the closet. While these physical voids can be filled in with superfluous things, the emotional and psychological void that his absence was creating would never be filled. When he leaves on Monday, a part of me will be leaving with him. Although it’s over between us, I still can’t help but care about him and what happens to him. I guess this is how mother’s must feel when they have to let go of their children. To have someone who was physically a part of you leave you, severing an emotional bond with their distance, their quest for self-identity, this is the emptiness that results…
We basically said our goodbyes last night. I held him one last time. The moment I felt his touch again, I couldn’t hold back the tears, they just kept screaming out–desperately trying to hold on to a two year love inferno that had been reduced to a flicker of friendship. I cried for the loss of my boyfriend, my lover, my best friend, and a huge part of my life. I cried for all the good and bad times we had together. I cried for the memories we will always share. I cried for me…
There weren’t enough words in the English language to describe all the emotions I was feeling last night. As my emotions raced up and down, leaving me in a state of numbness, I sat pondering where life would take me now. I’m still not sure what will happen to me, or what I will become, but Lord, give me the strength to survive it all. I wrote him a letter tonight. I dropped it into one of his bags of clothes as i was helping him bring down the remainders of his belongings. I’m not sure if he’ll find it, but I hope he does.
They say that sometimes, we’re lucky enough to have some truly great people touch our lives and drastically change the course of our life; Christopher, you are one of those great people, and my life certainly would not be anywhere near what it is today without you. For all that I am, and for all that I will be, a large part of it is because of you. You taught me how to love, how to be loved, and its true meaning, and for that, I am forever grateful. Thank you.
