…done…

fuck the facade…

I feel pain!

fuck everything and everyone!

fuck it all!

…never good enough…

I once had this dream…

There was this boi who had everything, or so everyone thought. He did well in school, was active in extracurricular activities, and got along well with just about everyone. It looked like he had the perfect life–great friends, a loving family, good grades, etc. On the outside, everything was complete, and yet on the inside, he was a total mess. In a society dominated by hegemonic media images and stereotypes, this boi was consumed by his insecurities and overwhelmed by his flaws. In this dream though, he was able to look beyond all of this and find happiness and success beyond all the setbacks. His family embraced his individual choices, and his boifriend stood by his side supporting him the whole way through. As he ran to embrace all of his loved ones though…

I woke up alone, it was just a dream–nothing more than a dream…

When will it be more than a dream?

…ni zai zhuo shenme?…wo de xin zai ku…

…6am…

What is it that makes life worth living for? Is it the money and success that we all hope to achieve once we’ve completed our rounds of school? Is it that special someone in our life that makes every breath worth breathing? Is it that gratifying feeling you get when you know you’ve done something good for someone else? Or is it even for the sheer curiosity of discovering what life has in store for you later on? There are so many questions, and I can’t answer any of them…

I’ve been thinking a lot as of late as to what I’m doing with my life, and where it’s going. So many things happen to us in just one day, and there’s never really any time to sit back and just reflect and take in what has just happened. In a very small way, my journal helps me to do this, but even then, I still can’t fully express everything that I want to say…

…to be continued…

…twilight…

Mortal Wounds

I feel shackled,
Bound by the solitude that leaves me empty,
Drained of life and emotion
Numb to the pain around me…

The roads twist and turn,
And I continue to drive
Through potholes and fog
Sleet and rain
An unending journey
Accompanied by pain…

Sunshine’s but a fantasy–
A false happiness
Of a memory too far gone to recall,
Lost in a whirlwind of
Could’ve, Should’ve, Would’ve…
The day passes
Another chance goes by
And still I drive…

While the world sleeps
A heart breaks
A slow tear
Quickly ruptures all things familiar
A vein bursts
And life goes on…

(C) 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…not as planned…

I think I jinxed myself for this semester. This was supposed to be one of my easiest and smoothest semesters yet, especially considering it was my final semester at Cal, and I’m pretty much done with all my required classes. Alas, my life is never that simple. From having to deal with my fucked up schedule to dealing with logistics for my organizations, to having to deal with shit at work and trying to balance all the shit that I do, I don’t know where I even find the time to breathe, let alone maintain my sanity. I’m trying desperately hard to not let things get to me, but it seems that things just keep getting poured on my plate and I’m not exactly thrilled about nor responsible for it. I know that I have responsibilities, and the decisions I make–whether they be intentional or not–have repercussions that affect more than just me, but in all honesty, a single person can only do so much. We all try to change the world, but a person can only do so much. Yes, one person matters, but a systemic change will nonetheless take more than one person…

…180 degrees in one day…

I started today off with only 4 units to my name this semester, and in less than 6 hours, I have more than 20 units now. I’m not quite sure what I’ve gotten myself into, but I signed up for 2 upper division Sociology research seminars. The topics looked really interesting, and I needed the units so I thought, “sure, why not!” I was also able to get into my Chinese 1AY class as well today after I took the test. I think I did fairly well, I just hope that I’ll be able to sustain it for the remainder of this semester. With my newly added Sociology courses, I’ve just filled up all the free time that I had this weekend, and then some…

I’ve some 500 pages to read, 3 research proposals due, and that’s just class work. I’ve still got meetings and what not to deal with, so it looks like my lax schedule just turned into more familiar territory. Ah well, I’m officially a full-time student now, so I guess it’s worth it…

Things have been going well with me despite the harsh start. I’m learning to enjoy myself more: hanging out with my friends, making a real difference again in people’s lives, etc. I’m ready for this semester; I’m ready for Hong Kong!

Time to hit the books…

…growing up…

It’s only been a week or so, and I’m already counting down the days until the semester is done. I want to say that it’s started on a good note, but doing so would be lying. This is, by far, the worst start I have ever had in my life. Not only did 3 of my classes get cancelled, but 2 of them were also rescheduled so that by the time I was informed of it all, alternative classes had already been filled up, so I was stuck with being on the waitlist. I don’t exactly have much of a choice in all of this, but I’m trying to make the most of my situation. It’s so difficult trying to find the brighter side of bullshit…

…wherever the wind carries me…

The summer is nearing it’s end and I’ll be heading to Seattle to make sure I get fully refreshed before the semester starts back up again. I want this semester to go smoothly. It’ll be my last semester at Cal and I really don’t want to stress out or anything, whether it be about bois, school, family, or friends…

I’ve come a long way since freshman year. As I was driving today, I was reminiscing about all the things that I’ve done in my life: the times I’ve made a complete and total fool of myself, my deepest and darkest hours, my failures, my triumphs, everything. The decisions I make today affects what happens to me tomorrow, the question is: will I be able to live with the consequences? I hope so…

…early bird…

Argh, I so woke up early today so I could go to court to take care of my speeding ticket, but when I got there, there was this totally long line that I was NOT about to get into. I knew that I had to get there early so that I could be at the front of the line, but I had no idea I’d have to be there THAT early (i.e. 6am!). I got there at 7:45, the time that was recommended to me by the clerk from last week, and the line was already wrapped around the block. Not good. Instead of just parking and getting in that line, I kept driving and headed right back home. I figure it’ll be better to be in the front of the line tomorrow and instead of wasting more than half of my day today just waiting. Ugh, if only they had assigned me traffic school instead of making me go to court to ask for it; stupid speeding ticket, grrrrrr…

I was uber productive yesterday. I was able to do two loads of laundry, get a haircut, go work out, and scrub the hell out of the bathroom. I was trying to scrub the rust off of our metal shower accessories rack holder thingie, but I could only get so much off. Does anyone know what I can use to remove the rust? Well, I was proud of myself though, the bathroom looks pretty darn clean now, if only it would stay that way. I find it ironic that the bathroom can be one of the dirtiest and nastiest things to clean, and yet it’s where we’re supposed to go to clean ourselves…

I got an email from an old high school friend a couple of days ago. I hadn’t heard from her in a such a long time, but we go waaaaay back to middle school. It was nice to find out what she had been up to in these last four years, but it totally made me feel so small in comparison. In her time in college, she’s won multiple scholarships to work with her professors on their research in other countries. Her research has taken her to far off places that I can only dream about. She’s done amazing things in the international realm as an undergrad that I can only hope to do a couple of years from now as a grad student. I don’t know, it just seems that whenever I talk to other people, I’ve done so little compared to what they’ve done in college. Where have the last four years gone? What have I done in college? I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to people, but subconsciously, you can’t help but find yourself drawing comparisons between yourself and your friends. I don’t know, I don’t think I do/have done enough…

I think I’m gonna go research grad/law schools today…

…dependent…

I’m sick. I’ve lost my voice, and it sucks. I felt it coming on a couple of days ago; there was an itchiness in the back of my throat and I knew something was coming on, but I had hoped for the best and that I wouldn’t lose my voice–that was useless. My voice gave out last night and I went to work today and lasted all of maybe 2 hours, then got sent home because I was of no help to them without my voice. There have been many times when laryngitis has gotten to me, but I was always fortunate enough to suffer the worst on my days off, but I wasn’t as fortunate this time, and was forced home as a result. I don’t feel sick or anything, I just can’t talk, and in my line of work, without my voice, I’m useless…

On a brighter note, the Olympics have started and I’m totally excited! I don’t know what it is, but the Olympics always puts me in a state of awe. It’s always a celebration, whether the person/team I’m rooting for wins or loses. For 16 days, the world is at a standstill, cheering on their athletes, regardless of their race, sexuality, or gender. It’s how the world should be, but unfortunately isn’t. Regardless, we get a taste of what it’s like to really live as a global community. One can only hope though, that this rare treat will cease to be rare in the very near future. There is only one race that truly matters, and that is the human one…

I was watching the men’s gymnastics competition tonight, and let me just say that Blaine Wilson is still freakin’ hott!! OMG, that judge totally screwed over the US team, but they were still able to maintain their composure and do well. I seriously think that Blaine handled the situation very nicely and politely, but it sucks that he’s totally out of the picture for the all-around title now. Alexei Nemov didn’t look too good though, the past 4 years have really done a job on him and he doesn’t look his age, or maybe he does–not a good thing. I found myself pretty divided when it came to cheering on certain teams though. Yes, I’m an American, but I’m also Chinese, and I couldn’t help but cheer on my roots. Ah the Olympics, only during a time as this can one truly feel overwhelming pride for one’s country and country of origin at the same time!