…yay for presents!

Ok, so I’ve been a real bitch to deal with as of late. I’m was, and am still, going through a very emotional time and I guess every little thing is setting me off. I guess you can say that it’s my time of the month. Anyhow, kudos to my friends who’ve been able to put up with me though, and who’ve lent their ears so I could talk it off. I’m starting to feel a little better now, but I can’t guarantee that the next time my man-cycle comes around again I’ll be any better, but we can always hope, hehe…

Today was like Christmas for me. I bought a new, well, not necessarily new, but it’s in pristine condition, Canon GL-1. It’s coming packaged with a shot-gun mic and some other cool accessories, so I’m totally jazzed about it all. I can’t wait to get it up here so I can use it for my film class. Eric was such a doll and went sooooo out of his way to go check it out and make sure that everything was ok for me. THANKS A HUUUUUGE BUNCH Eric!!!!!!!!! I also got my new Tungsten E and the case for it. I should be getting the wireless keyboard for it tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be able to use it in some of my lectures tomorrow. I started to install it already and everything is working great! It didn’t come with Documents To Go though, so my friend is going to let me borrow his copy of it so I can install it on my new TyPalm–hehe, I like to name my personal electronics. I call my iPOD: TyPod, hehe, and my iSight: TySight, hehe…Ok, I think that’s too much to reveal, lol, but whatever…

Ok, I’m really tired right now, so I’ll finish this later. I was up until 4am yesterday doing laundry, and I had an 8am section today–soooooo pooped, but hey, at least there’s a cute boi in my section, hehe. There’s nothing like a cute boi to motivate me to learn!

…retreat…

Today was a rather reclusive day for me. I woke up at around 11am and had a pretty bad start with my day, the details of which I’ll keep to myself. Basically though, people flaked on me as usual and I guess today was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back. Anyhow, I had lunch with Steven today and we talked a lot about shit. It was nice to just vent with him, Lord knows there was a lot of it to do. There’s a lot running through my mind right now, and I’m in one of my really emotional mood swings, so I’ll keep this entry short…

Dust

Harmless specks of nothing
Falling upon unnoticing eyes,
Covering what little is exposed
And yet featuring all that hides…

Blown with the breath of consciousness,
But lacking in acknowledgment
Of an undying mask that shall return–
Regardless of rejection, regardless of consent…

A losing battle devoid of hope,
A white flag is drawn to signal defeat.
With one fell swoop all is clean,
Sanitizing the junction where fantasy and reality meet…

Evidence erased from mind
As bare emotions lie unyielding and raw,
Uncovering a time of purity and cleanliness–
When we thought we knew what we saw…

Harmless specks of nothing
Falling upon unnoticing eyes,
Covering what little is exposed
And yet featuring all that hides…

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…flakes…

Why is it that people can’t ever commit to anything? More importantly, why can’t people think beyond themselves and be more considerate of others? I’m so totally fed up with people flaking on me and am at my boiling point now. It’s funny how when people need something from you, they act like they’re your best friend and all of a sudden want to hang out with you, but after they get what they want, then you’re useless to them again. How fucked up is that?! I so can’t stand users! I’m sick and tired of being treated like a fuckin’ rug for people to walk all over! I think I need to purge some people out of my life, people who’ve done nothing but take, take, and take from my life. I mean, seriously, like if I ask you to hang out or go somewhere and you’re down with it, then let’s go, but don’t be a bitch about it and not even call me to tell me that you don’t want to go anymore. You can at least be courteous enough to call me yourself and tell me beforehand so I don’t have to get ready for nothing. Ugh! And people always complain about me doing too much and never really having any time to have fun and stuff, well shit, if I hadn’t been flaked on so many times, maybe I’d start to invest some time in hanging out again as opposed to being productive and getting shit done. Whatever, fuck it, fuck it all! Sorry, I don’t normally use this language in my writings, but I’m a bit miffed right now, and I have more important things to do and worry about than being civil, especially to and about people who don’t even care anyway.

Peaceful Existence

Like waves in the ocean,
Rollercoastering on thorns of life,
Leaving a trail of blood,
Finding peaceful existence through strife…

Living the past as present,
Seeing hate through shrouded eyes,
Numbing all of reality,
Peaceful existence is no surprise…

Silence speaking volumes,
Breaking bones and souls,
A peaceful existence–
A void to make one whole…

Emptiness lingers on
Drowning out sorrow and light,
Hopeless inevitability–
A peaceful existence celebrating plight…

Salvation starves for a feast,
Roasted memories and rotten hate,
Pleasantries of pain,
A peaceful existence of indigestible dates…

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…waking up…

Today was an extremely long and tiring day for me, both emotionally and physically. I didn’t have any classes today, but I worked all day today, from 10am until 10pm–at least I’m making money to save up for my trip to Hong Kong. I spent the majority of the day talking to customers about our cancelled show this weekend for Paco de Lucia, but most of them were pleasant, so it wasn’t too bad. I had one bitchy customer though who thought I was a telemarketer, so he kept hanging up on me. I hope he shows up on Sunday with his whole family so he can look like a fool because he didn’t want to hear us out, but I digress…

I got into the film class I interviewed for. The GSI said that she would notify us by email if we got in, and if we didn’t receive an email by noon, then we didn’t get in. I checked my email at 12:15 and didn’t see anything from her, so I spent the majority of the day moping and feeling a bit depressed about not getting in. I had had a good feeling about it and everything, but alas, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be, and then maybe it was…I came home from work and ran quickly to my computer to check my email, and lo and behold, I had gotten an email from her at 12:35pm. I got into the class! I’m sooooo absolutely jazzed about getting into this class because the professor is such an incredible filmmaker and activist. I’m soooo grateful for this opportunity!!!

So like I said, today was pretty taxing on me; actually this whole week has been pretty hard–not really because of my classes, but more on the personal level. I’ve been feeling kind of alone as of late, as if no one really understands me or cares to understand me. I know that I have friends to talk to, but it doesn’t feel right. There’s a growing emptiness inside of me that has always been a part of me all my life, except it just happens to be taking shape again as of late. My friends all have their own lives and are doing their own things. All the while, I’m stuck in this limbo stage where a pool of water divides me from them, and I can’t reach out to them for fear of rippling that delicate divide. I’m drowning, swallowing gallons of loneliness and reality, but I don’t want to swim…

Reality

Frustration and pain
Pity and shame
With nothing to gain
I flounder…

Guardian of solitude
Soldier of silence
Empty with gratitude
I hunger…

Good intentions
Shattering moral conventions
Feeding carnal directions
I fade…

Emotional rides
Lingering prides
Ebbing tides
I cower…

Winds of cold
Experiences of old
Destroying my mold
I break…

Victim of reality
Follower of destiny
Clouded by clarity
I am…

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

To my island of smiles…

More Than Water

The day begins to end,
But my life has just begun.
A new endless horizon
I look to you, my beautiful sun…

Through a sheet of rain,
I find shelter in your embrace.
Heavenly is this feeling,
Impossible is your fall from grace…

A burst of energy,
A rush of excitement,
Bombarded by emotions,
Falling for you is my indictment…

More than water,
You’re the nourishment for my soul;
A steady pillar of strength,
You bring me smiles to make me whole…

Across an ocean of smiles
Lies the source of it all,
My pure sweet angel–
Dark, handsome, and tall…

In slumber we meet
To find solace in one another,
A professed adoration
That cannot be cheated by a stutter…

Through wind and rain,
Sleet and hail,
Trust in time,
Our feelings will not fail

More than water,
You satiate this appetite;
A feast of kindness and love,
With you, I always feel right…

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…voicemail…

Today was another marathon day for me. I started with a 9am class and didn’t finish until 9pm tonight–12 hours on campus is too damn to be on campus, especially when it’s not finals time, ugh! I guess it’ll all be worth it if I get into the film class that I want though. So there’s this 7 unit film class through the Ethnic Studies department that I had to interview for. It’s crazy because it’s a 6-9pm class on Wednesday and Thursday, and there were like 30-40 people interviewing for like 20 spots in the class so I’m not sure if I’ll get in, but I’m really hoping I can get in. Loni Ding is the instructor for the course and she’s such a fabulous filmmaker herself–straight out of the whole TWLF movement so it would be such a privilege to learn from her, but we’ll see what happens. I had an English paper that was due today that I wrote in like an hour. I was proud of myself, but I’m too pooped out about it now to really celebrate my accomplishment. I’ve another English paper due next week, but I’m going to work on it now so that I won’t have to do another last minute writing session. Other than that, all of my classes are going pretty well thus far, and I’m enjoying all of them. I think I’ll start to enjoy it more when I can start typing my notes again. I bought a new PDA along with a lot of cool new accessories for it, so as soon as it comes in, I’ll be able to take better notes and write more poems while I’m not paying attention in class again, hehe…

I’m got to talk to Thery tonight to work out some of our plans for when I go down to SoCal for my screening at OutFest, and I’m just so excited just thinking about all the fun we’re going to have! I can’t wait!

I changed my voicemail a couple of days ago and people are starting to comment to me about it, hehe. Mom and Sis were taken by surprise with it and just couldn’t stop laughing afterwards, so that was cool. I really fooled Sebastian and he left me a really cute voicemail about it. I saved it, hehe.

Speaking of Sebastian, since school has started, we’ve been playing phone and voicemail tag and it sucks because I really miss talking to him. Hopefully he’s doing well and we’ll finally get to talk again soon.

Well, I’m gonna go take a shower now and get some work done so I can stay ahead. Here’s to no classes on Friday!

…mine…

Today was the first day of classes and it was nice to see some of my friends again, then there were others that I didn’t particularly want to see, but whatever, the campus is big. This is the first semester that I’ve actually had to wait in line at any of the bookstores to buy my books. The point of getting here about week early is so you can take care of all your books before the huge crowd comes, but this semester, all the professors fucked up and didn’t submit their book lists until after school started so I was stuck in line today–multiple times–to buy books. I’ve got most of the books for 3 of my classes, now I’ve another 3 more classes to get books for, but hopefully those won’t be as difficult, but we’ll see. This has been a shitty semester organizationally speaking, but whatever. My semester is heavily laden with reading, but I think I’ll be fine with it. I’m getting off to a good start and have already started reading to get ahead for one of my classes, let’s just hope that I can keep it up. In my English seminar today, I got to sit next to one of the stars on the Cal men’s basketball team. He’s so dreamy! Hopefully he’ll need some help with his work, lol! I’ve a paper due on Thursday already, but it should be fine, it’s only 3 pages, so I should be able to crank it out in a couple of hours; I’ll get started on it tomorrow…

So while I’m on the issue of being perturbed, I think I’ll address a couple of points that have been brought to my attention quite often as of late. It seems that I’ve been complaining about the amount of work that I take on, be it in regards to school, work, or extracurriculars, and people have been telling me that I’m to blame for it. First of all, I know this; it’s not as if I woke up one day and said, “Oh, I think I’ll take 20 units this semester” or “Oh, I think I’ll get 3 jobs while I’m in college.” I do these things for a reason and although I may be vocal with the amount of shit I have to deal with, I’m not saying that it’s anyone’s fault and am merely complaining for the sake of complaining. I’m free to bitch about whatever I want, when I want and frankly, if you don’t want to hear about it, then simply shut your ears or walk away. I take on all these things because I choose to, and I know what I need to do in order to get where I want to get, or to get what I want. If I happen to have a bad day, which everyone is entitled to, then leave me be and I apologize beforehand if you happen to be in my way while I’m on one of my rants. Regardless, I’ve busted my ass to get where I am by doing what I’ve been doing and I’m damn proud to be where I am now, so if you don’t like the way I’m living MY life, then tough shit. Additionally, there is a reason why I keep a journal, it’s a productive outlet for any frustration that I may be dealing with. It is home to some of my most personal thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Because of its public nature, I understand that there will always be viewers, and although they are free to comment, they should bear one thing in mind–my journal reflects MY thoughts, whether they be wrong or right, they are mine and should be seen as such. Ok, that was my bitching for the night. Time for some work!

…cheap thrills…

I went shopping again today. I know I shouldn’t have considering the fact that I’ll be in Hong Kong in less than a month’s time doing some more shopping, but I figure I’ve been good so I’d reward myself. Besides, there were great sales going on, who can say no to sales?! Yes, I’ll readily admit it, my name is Ty, and I’m a shop-aholic, hehe! It’s so therapeutic for me because instead of venting on people, I just buy clothes, and when I’m able to find something in my size, it’s even better! I’m going to really try to pack lightly for when I go to Hong Kong because I know I’ll be buying a lot of stuff. I’ll probably just go with a small duffle bag with the bare essentials, then buy a big ass suitcase while I’m there and bring it back with me filled with clothes, clothes, gifts, and more clothes! I bought a couple of new belts, several shirts, a couple of sweaters, and a nifty new calendar for my room. I was so tempted to buy more, but I had to remind myself that there will be plenty of opportunities in a couple of week’s time. I can’t wait for Hong Kong!

School starts tomorrow, ugh! I soooooo don’t want to go to school tomorrow, especially because I’ve an 8am section every Tuesday, but whatever, hopefully we won’t meet tomorrow since it’s the first day of classes. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are pretty full this semester, and I’ve a meeting tomorrow after classes and work tomorrow, but hopefully it won’t go too long. I’ll be carrying something along the lines of 25 units this semester, but I’m really going to try to stay on my readings and work so I don’t fall behind. I have to make sure that I continue to get A’s; I want to end on a good note here at Cal…

American Idol starts up again tonight. So begins the rule of Josh over the TV. He’s absolutely crazy when it comes to American Idol–hasn’t missed an episode yet, and he tapes them all too! Talk about fanatic! The Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet finishes up tonight, and I’m soooo looking forward to seeing what happens. There’s been so much drama in this series, so it’s nice to finally see it end, although RW San Diego isn’t exactly doing much to serve as an alternative for the Gauntlet. This season’s cast is pathetic and there’s not even any gay representation! WTF?! Whatever, I’m such an MTV junkie, but it’s only because there’s no school right now, but that’ll come to an end soon…

American Idol beckons…

…pda’s, ugh!

No, not public displays of affection, but personal data assistants. I invested some $800 for an iPAQ that has been very good to me for the past 3 years, but since switching to a Mac, my Pocket PC just has not been able to cut it. I’ve had difficulty with compatibility issues despite buying a program that was supposed to resolve it. Anyhow, I finally gave in and decided to invest in a new Palm, which is compatible with Macs. I was reading reviews on cnet.com and there were great reviews for the Tungsten E, so I went to ebay and bought a new one. After the purchase though, I decided to do more research on it and discovered that, in the process of buying accessories for it, that it wasn’t as compatible as other Tungsten models–the higher end ones. The E is only costing me $200 so I figured that it would be a good deal, despite its lack of bluetooth, WiFi, a cradle/dock, and a universal connector. After reading some more consumer reviews about it though, I’m discovering that the battery life isn’t all that either, and I have to buy a freakin’ wireless keyboard to use with this model. Basically, everything is running me about $400 for this one. I figure if it’ll last me for at least 2 years, then I guess it’ll be worth it. If it’s one thing I learned though, if I ever decide to be cheap ever again about stuff like this, just slap me. I’m gonna go buy accessories for it now, and try to make the best out of this situation. I’m hoping that all of these fears are unfounded and will be assuaged once the item arrives…