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  • It’s 6:30 AM and I’m still awake…

    I’m working on my English paper trying to add more analysis, but it’s such a long and arduous process. I hate English courses, all you do in them is read and write! ugh! Anyhow, I figured I’d take a break from all this forced writing and update my journal just so I can get the creative juices flowing again…

    Since coming back from Hong Kong, my sense of time has been completely thrown out of whack. I’ve had such a difficult time trying to get back into the swing of things. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so difficult readjusting to the time here, but I hope I figure it out soon because midterms are next week and I’ll need all weekend to study and cram. Although I was back on Tuesday and had only missed 2 days of school during the week that I was gone, my jetlag has set me back another week because I wasn’t able to make it to most of my classes this week because I either overslept and missed the class or because I fell asleep in it. Oh well, as long as I don’t fall asleep during the midterm, I should be fine. Speaking of midterms, I haven’t exactly been doing my reading for my classes, so I’m kind of scared about my midterms, but I’ve been to most of the lectures, and have read most of the stuff in previous upper division courses, so hopefully that’ll work to my advantage…

    Enough on the school front though…

    This coming weekend is the UCLGBTIA conference, which would have marked my two year anniversary with Chris. This year it’s at UCSD; how ironic that we would break up, he would return back to his school, and then the conference would coincidentally be there as well. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go or not, but after much thought, I think it’s best that I not go. Although I’ve enjoyed going to all the different workshops and meeting other queer people from the other campuses, I think the fact that it’s at UCSD this year just makes things a little bit too difficult for me to deal with. Not only would Chris be there, but so would a certain someone whom I really would NOT like to see, and plus there are too many memories that Chris and I shared at UCSD on my visits down there. Simply put, it would be too painful for me. Although it has been some time now that we’ve been broken up, I still haven’t fully recovered to the point of where I could see him again and be ok about it emotionally. I think talking to him over the phone and through AIM is sufficient for now; I just need some more time before I can actually speak to him in person. He’s doing well though, and I’m glad he’s happy again…

    My weekends are pretty free now. I’m only working on Sundays at CalPerfs, so my schedule is pretty open and it feels weird to have this freedom. I kind of enjoy it because I can hang out with my friends again and be more spontaneous. This freedom won’t last long though, midterms are around the corner. Ugh, stupid school–always has to ruin everything. So this weekend though, I’m going to finally hang out with the Hapas, my friend Susan has been trying to get me to go to the events for about 2 years now, but they’ve always conflicted with my schedule, so this Saturday, I’ll finally get to hang out with them. It’ll be nice to hang out in a group setting again…

    I’ve been listening to Madonna’s American Life album and have discovered that it’s quite good. I really like Love Profusion, there are some other good ones on there too though…

    Ugh, ok, gotta go finish my paper now before I have to go to my Academic Senate meeting, blah…

  • …reflections of my vacation…

    24 hours ago, I was in a completely different country about 7,000 miles across the Pacific, and now, I’m back home…

    Last Wednesday, I took a short little vacation from school and work to go to Hong Kong. I hadn’t been to Asia since I left it when i was about 4 or 5 years old, so this was like being there for the first time for me. The flight itself took about 16 hours–not as long as when I flew to Australia, but it was still long nonetheless. I had an aisle seat in the exit row, so I had plenty of stretching room–not that I needed all that much room, but it was nice to have. We landed there Thursday evening and decided to go check out the night life there. There are basically 3 clubs that we went to throughout our time there in HK: Works, Propaganda, and Rice. So Works was kind of boring and drab for me. There were a lot of older men there and hardly anyone to really capture my attention. Let’s just say that it was tragic, just tragic. Propaganda and Rice on the other hand were pretty cool. Propaganda is like the HK version of GAMeBoi, but with every song remixed to the dance version. It was pretty cool because they had two separate rooms: one for dancing and the other one where the bar was. Most of the older crowd hung out around the bar while the younger crowd was in the dance room. Anyhow, there was this really cute guy that was there–well, there were a fair amount of beautiful guys there, but this one in particular took my breath away. He just had this aura around him; he was a snazzy dresser, had this really cute hair cut, and was just adorable looking. Anyhow, there was a missed connection and I didn’t get to see him again… :(

    On Valentine’s Day, we hung out with some of John’s friends, Sonny and Steven, and Sonny’s son, Clement. We had lunch at Stanley’s Island/Market and then went to do some street shopping. I got this nifty little personalized stamp that has my name in Chinese characters and in English, so that was cool. I wanted to do more shopping, but didn’t have enough time because we had to leave. We went to visit one of their friends, Jimmy. He was apparently some famous writer who had won an award for one of his screenplays. Anyhow, we basically chilled for a fair amount of that day at the southern tip of Hong Kong island at the headlands. It was nice to just relax and chill, although I was getting a bit antsy about getting my shopping done. I had a long list that I had to get through and all this sitting around wasn’t exactly helping. Whatever though, I had a good time. We went clubbing that night again. We hit Rice first, which was surprisingly cool, then went to Propaganda. So Rice is this cool little bar that was packed with a good amount of cute bois. I found one, but unfortunately, he had a bf already, ah well–he was really cute though. Anyhow, I found out just how small our community was though. I ran into an X20 member at Rice. He approached me and was like, “hey, you’re Ty right?” I was like, holy shit, how does someone from HK know me?! Anyhow, yeah, he was apparently on vacation as well, so that was cool, but yeah, our community is so utterly small that even if you go half way around the world, chances are that you’ll find someone there that you’ll know as well. Anyhow, a couple of cosmos later, we headed off for Propaganda and it was cool. So apparently, HK bois are a bit timid and subtle in regards to flirting and showing interest. They play this whole staring game where they stare at a guy to try to make eye contact, then they smile, then they stare some more, then you have to initiate the conversation or go over to talk to them in order to get them to realize that you’re interested in them as well–games! So there were a couple of guys that I was looking at. The first guy was well built and rather cute, but he was with his group of friends. We made eye contact often, but nothing ever materialized because I’m such a chicken. One of his friends in his group though noticed me and started to stare at me as I was staring at the cute boi; I was trying not to look at his friend, but he just kept staring and made me feel so uncomfortable. As if that weren’t enough, then he told all of his friends and they all started to stare and smile at me, and here’s the rude part: they started to talk about me in Cantonese as if I weren’t even there. Granted it was flattering stuff, it’s still rude nonetheless. I eventually walked away to another side of the room where I met another guy who was from SF and who had apparently recognized me as well from some of the clubs in SF. Geez, do I frequent the clubs that much?! Whatever, he was cute and had a nice body and so we exchanged contact info. Perhaps we’ll hang out now that we’re both back on this side of the Pacific…

    So that was my clubbing stint, on to shopping…

    Shopping was great. Because the first couple of days were spent chilling with John’s friends, I didn’t have much time left for shopping, but that’s ok, I’m a good power shopper. So I allocated US $1000 just for shopping alone, and I definitely went beyond that on this trip. There were just so many great stores and clothes that I couldn’t resist, but then again, I wasn’t just shopping for myself, I was shopping for my family and friends too, but I digress. The style over there is very colorful and wild. They’re into the European/Japanese look where you mix and match vibrant colors with outrageous hair and high-top shoes! I might go so far as buying some high-top shoes, but the hair thing was just too much. Anyhow, there are some great stores there: G2000 (a chic Banana Republic), U2 (comparable to Structure), Esprit (a mix of Abercrombie and Express for men), Giordano (Express for men), etc. To make a long story short, I basically got a lot of clothes that actually fit for great prices. I went over there with one duffle bag with the intention of buying a large suitcase to bring back all the stuff that I had bought, and everything went as planned. I filled the new suitcase to capacity and really had to do some creative packing, but in the end, it all fit–just barely. So another thing about shopping is that a lot of people do that as a hobby over there, mainly because there’s nothing else to do, lol. There’s a mall at every MTR station (their version of BART, but waaaaay the fuck better!), so it was convenient to shop so much, albeit a bit financially scary, oh well…

    Speaking of finances though, everything was indeed very cheap there though. I got great meals for like really cheap. I think that if I stayed there for about a month or so, I could actually gain weight, hehe. I got to visit my friend Robert while I was there, we hung out and got to reminisce about the good old days, so that was cool. I tried sea urchin for the first time and let me just tell you, sea urchin is soooooo freakin’ good! No wonder it’s so damn expensive! Whatever though, it was all worth it!

    So that was the basics of my trip, the flight back on the other hand is another story. Let’s just say that I had to sit next to the passenger from hell. He was an old fart who was utterly rude, inconsiderate, an armrest hog, and a disgusting asshole who needs to be neutered!

    I got in early this morning and had to go in to work today, so I’m a bit jet-lagged, but hopefully it won’t be too bad tomorrow. I had a great time in Hong Kong, and I would totally visit it again, but I don’t think I’d want to live there. Too many damn people smoke, I couldn’t deal with the humidity, and things are so damn crowded there that I’d begin to suffocate. I’m glad to be home, I missed my independence, my car, my friends, my computer, my CELL PHONE!! and some certain people as well…it’s good to be back. :)

  • …closure…

    I talked to Chris tonight, for the first time in a very long time. He IM-ed me to talk about some emotional stuff he was going through. It started off awkward at first, as expected, but it became more comfortable after a while. I think it’s still emotionally and psychologically hard for me to talk to him as a “friend,” but I’m trying and I think I’m making real progress at getting on with my life. I think I’m at the scab phase of my recovery process now where talking about it still kind of makes me flinch, but I’m at least healing–not to mention growing…

    In the course of our conversation, I was noticing just how similar he and I are: romantics in our own little ways, naive in others, etc. Being single again has really taken me by surprise and although I find myself with a 2 year relationship under my belt, I feel just as clueless about this whole dating thing as a newbie is to the whole scene. Although there’s a part of me that really wants to have that sense of having someone there for me–emotionally and physically, I think I really have to tread cautiously and be patient with everything. There have been some really great guys that have come into my life post-Chris, and I think I really need to take some time to calm down and explore and understand more of myself before I can begin to explore and understand them and any possibility of an “us”…

    No Tengo Miedo

    En todo de mi vida
    La unica cosa que me da miedo
    Es morir sin amor
    Pero hoy
    Ha realizado que esto no es posible
    Porque ya tengo todo lo que quiero en mi vida
    Tengo el amor…
    De mis padres,
    De mis amigos,
    Y de ti…
    Gracias por todo,
    Ahora, no tengo miedo…

    © 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

  • …work overload…

    I worked about a total of 11 hours today and I’m soooo completely tired, but kind of not really–it’s a complicated feeling, I can’t really describe it. Anyhow, it wasn’t mentally exhausting, but physically it was. After work in SF, I had to rush back over to the east bay to change and get ready for my show shift at CalPerfs, which I got to in plenty of time. After my show shift, I was really famished, so Jose and I went to go have some dinner at Thai Basil; their BBQ beef is soooooo good! I think I’ve found my new favorite item at Thai Basil!

    So I got a call from my friend Paul this evening. It was a real surprise because I haven’t talked to him in a while. Anyhow, he invited me to go to the Cafe with him, but I had just had a long day, and I was just sooooo utterly pooped that I don’t think I’d have had much fun being there. I may have been more inclined to go had he said Badlands, but the music that they play at the Cafe just doesn’t float my boat, but whatever. I wanted to hang out with him, but I just couldn’t help being so physically exhausted…

    I’m sleepy…gonna go take a nap…

  • …Ben Sherman crazy!

    Wow, I worked a 10+ hour day today, and all the money I made today has already been spent! LOL! So there was this incredible sale over at Wicked today and like all of us decided to go there after work to do a little pre-performance shopping. I had such a good time! OMG, I know I’m going to Hong Kong in like a couple of days, but most of the stuff was on sale and had like 50% off reductions, so I couldn’t resist! I kind of went Ben Sherman crazy though–I’m a fan of Ben Sherman now too! I bought a couple of really nice fitting mod shirts, and a couple pairs of shoes. I also bought these really nice pair of jeans too; they’re really form fitting and a bit expensive, but were sooooo totally worth every penny! I was going to get a new pair of Sevens, but then I saw these jeans and my friend Gavin totally convinced me to get them. Thanks Gav! I’m hooked now! They’re Levi’s new Premium Jeans line, it’s supposed to rival Diesel’s and Sevens, and let me tell you, they are doin’ a DAMN good job! Anyhow, I’m going to count this little mini shopping spree towards allotted shopping in Hong Kong though, but whatever, I still have a lot to work with…

    I was lacing up my new shoes today and these old childhood memories of lacing up my shoes came rushing back to me. I remember how I used to get a new pair of shoes every year for the new school year and I would take so much care in lacing it up all nice and neat. I really enjoyed preparing for school–the new clothes, the new shoes, seeing all my friends again, ah memories. In retrospect, I feel really privileged. I was one of the lucky ones in that I was able to enjoy all these new things, and am able to enjoy it now. My family really has given me a lot, and I’m so utterly grateful for them. I can’t possibly imagine where I’d be without them, and more importantly, who I’d be…

    So I went out to dinner with a friend tonight and had a great time. We got into a pretty engaging conversation and it was nice to just be able to talk with someone without that sexual tension. Anyhow, it was a good evening, albeit short, but definitely enjoyable…

    I have work at 7:45am tomorrow at Blue and Gold, ugh! I haven’t been there in such a long time, I hope I remember my password and all, but whatever, it’ll be good money, and will definitely be good for my Hong Kong trip. Goodness, only another couple of days and I’ll be heading out of the country, yay!

    Sleepy time…

  • …memories…

    Today was slated to be a rather long day, and of course, I wasn’t disappointed. I went to my classes as usual and I knew that I had some kind of assignment due, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what it was. Anyhow, so when I got to my English class, I asked one of my classmates if we had anything due, and sure enough, we had our proposal for our first essay due. I was sooooo praying that the professor wouldn’t show up and, sure enough, 20 minutes later, this little woman walks in and tells us that our professor is sick and that we can go. I was like, “oh man, someone up there likes me!” hehe. Anyhow, after that, I took care of a lot of errands and am pretty much caught up in terms of taking care of loose ends, for now at least…

    Film class was pretty long today, as usual; we always go over time on Thursdays since it’s our lab time and we still need to figure out what we’re doing and all. Anyhow, I’m not sure who I’ll be working with, but I’ll be working on another short dramatic narrative and will be casting people soon. I’m really going to try to get the script done early this time so my actors have time to rehearse the lines really well and get familiar with it. Hopefully I’ll have a good group to work with, but regardless, my friend Miles said that he’d help with the editing. Thank goodness for Miles because I hate editing!

    In the middle of film class this evening, I got a startling call from someone. I looked at the caller ID and was utterly surprised and shocked to see that it was Sebastian. I haven’t heard from him in a while and thought that we had had a falling out. We haven’t talked for a couple of weeks now and I just thought that he was ignoring me or something, but he says that he’s just been really busy. I’m not sure what to make of that, but I can’t exactly say much since I haven’t gotten the full story from him yet as to why he’s been incommunicado all this time. Whatever though, I’m not holding my breath…

    So I was listening to some music this morning while I was getting ready for class and all of a sudden, Westlife’s You Can’t Lose What You Never Had started to play. I hadn’t listened to Westlife in a long time, but this particular song had a significant impact on my life during a time when I was really confused about my sexuality. So back in high school, I had a crush on one of my best friends, Jessica. We had known each other since middle school and became really good friends in high school. We went to all the dances together and even spent the summer in Germany together as well. Anyhow, I really fell for her and I told her how I felt, but she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I spent the next couple of months just so absolutely depressed about it all, but then I realized that I never really lost anything because she was never mine to lose in the first place. Although I’m not going to dismiss my feelings and emotions for her, I didn’t exactly have any valid points for moping around so much. Anyhow, I think I’ve reached this point again. There are certainly crushes and feelings that I have for certain guys, but I think I’ve been trying too hard to try to fill this void in my heart, and in the process of doing so, I’ve set myself up for falls that are absolutely unnecessary. I think it’s ok to have feelings for others and to be attracted to them, but I really need to be careful about falling in love with the hope of being in a relationship again and learn to enjoy just the company of that person instead–nothing more, nothing less. There will always be times in my life when I’ll just want that extra human touch, but I started out on this journey in life alone, and whether I have someone in my life or not throughout this journey will be irrelevant; I will finish this journey–I will stand strong, as hard as it may and will be, I will stand and fight…

  • …streams of consciousness…

    Gosh, I’ve been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions as of late and it just doesn’t look like it’ll be ending anytime soon. I really hate this feeling of not knowing what is going to happen or where I’m going. I want to say that things in my life are going well, but the truth of it all is that I’ve never been more unsure of myself in my life. Whether it be in regards to my academics, my love life, etc., there just doesn’t seem to be any clear and easy answer at all. I wish life wasn’t so complicated, but then again, it wouldn’t be called life right? Anyhow, so I’ve noticed that my life has been filled with cliches–what a bore! I guess they’re called cliches for a reason, but still, being able to describe so many of my experiences with so many cliches is absolutely scary, but I digress!

    Today was a good day for me, long, but good. I went to all of my classes and even stayed awake for all of them–it’s not easy to go from 9am-11pm every Wednesday, but whatever, thank goodness all the really long 3 hour classes are entertaining! So in my Asian Am. 20B class today, we were watching this video about Filipina mail order brides. It was soooooo utterly tragic! The men who were going after these women and exploiting them were so gross!!! They were abusive assholes who couldn’t get a woman on their own, so they had to buy one and exploit her poverty and desire to help her family–all in the name of satisfying their White hegemonic fantasies of personally conquering and subjugating an exotic island girl! How FUCKED up is that?! I’m sorry, but abusive men have absolutely no place in this society and are merely wastes of skin–y’all need to just go shoot yourself now, you’d be doing the rest of society a favor! I digress though. After class, my friend and I decided to go grab some lunch with each other and just talk. We got to know each other better and it was really nice to just be able to talk to him. Pending weather and all, we’ll probably go play tennis with each other some time this week, but we’ll see. My schedule is starting to fill up now as the semester wears on, and I’m still trying to get all my work done before I leave for Hong Kong, but I’m on track and doing pretty well…

    I recently realized that I’d be in Hong Kong for Valentine’s Day. Not that it matters since I’m not with anyone right now, but I think that if everything does work out, I won’t necessarily be alone in the emotional sense, but whatever, we’ll see…

    So I’m beginning to realize how fucked up things are/were, certain ex’s, certain bois, certain roommates, certain people. I could spend the time and effort to bitch about them, but I honestly have better things to be doing than to sit here and complain about them all, so for now, this brief little window into my psyche will have to suffice…

  • …life’s little bumps…

    It’s 2am and I’m still up, not necessarily by choice, but up nonetheless…

    Today was such a long day for me, and the week will only get longer from here on out. As for school, I was able to get everything in on time despite pushing it to crunch time, but it all got done and I’m happy with what I’ve been able to do. I’ve been staying up on my readings–well, in a couple of my classes, and in others, I guess I could be more studious, but it’s so darn difficult trying to get everything done on time, but I digress…

    So I was engaged in a multitude of deep conversations throughout this evening. The first one was with Thery and in regards to my personal life. Since my break-up with Chris, the road to recovery has obviously not been easy. Although I hear that he’s doing well and probably getting serious with some other guy now, my wounds are still very fresh and all the Neosporin in the world couldn’t help this wound heal without a scar. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces and shards of my life, but ever so often, my hands are slipping and I wind up cutting myself–dripping blood and tears everywhere. I want to say that I’ve moved on, but at random times during the day, I’m still finding myself thinking about him and what we had. Memory is a double-edged sword that has wound up being my foe one too many times. Anyhow, I realized while I was down in SoCal this past weekend just exactly how lonely I had been. Being able to hang out with Jimmy and the rest of my friends this past weekend was one of the best times I’ve had in a very, very long time. I wanted so much to be able to just stay in his arms, but I’m not sure if the feeling is mutual, and I’m not sure he nor I am ready for a relationship–especially a long distance one. Thery says that I should wait, but then the question of “how long?” comes up and I’m back to square one because I don’t want to show to the guy that I’m less interested in him than i really am, but it’s oh so complicated. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. In the mean time though, Thery recommends that I take things slowly and just date casually first. I’m trying to do that, but it’s really weird because I’ve been out of it for so long, I’m not exactly sure of the hints being passed on to me, and whether they are in fact signals and not just nerves firing. Regardless, I will be biding my time more carefully, along with my attention…

    The last conversation I had of the night was with a couple of my roommates regarding another roommate. More on that in a little bit, I’m kind of pooped right now and falling asleep at the comp…

  • …a fantasy weekend…

    I went down to SoCal this weekend and had the time of my life! The past couple of weeks up here hadn’t been the best of times for me, so this past weekend was definitely something that I needed to rejuvenate me. I fly down Friday evening and met up with two of my old high school friends, Thery and Courtney, and then met up with Eric, John, and Jimmy to go clubbing. Jimmy and I did a little pre-club drinking and once we were all warmed up, we headed out to GAMeBoi to join Eric and John on the dance floor. The music was great as usual, and I had a blast just being able to chill and dance with my friends. I spent most of the night dancing with Jimmy, it was really nice. The evening went well and we all came back to Thery and Courtney’s apartment to have some late night spaghetti and didn’t wind up going to bed until like 5am, it was crazy, but sooo worth it!

    Saturday was a pretty full day. Thery, Jimmy, and I went to The Grove–a posh outdoor mall kind of like 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, but a little bit more yuppie-ish. Then we went to OutFest and saw my film screening. OutFest was fun, a lot of incredible films were shown and we got a pretty warm reception from everyone. We went to Buca di Beppo’s afterwards and had a huge family style dinner. The fried calamari was soooooo good! We were kind of undecided on what we were going to do afterwards–it was kind of a toss up between bowling and clubbing again, but in the end, it was neither. We went to Ralphs to buy some wine coolers and decided to go back to Thery’s place and play some drinking games. By the time we were all done, we had all passed out! LOL. I don’t really remember when, but at some point in the evening, I just fell asleep, and when I woke up, everyone had fallen asleep too. Anyhow, I spent the rest of the evening sharing a lounger with Jimmy; it was really comfy and felt really nice to be able to cuddle with someone again…

    I woke up around 2pm today though, and really didn’t do anything. We all just chilled at the apartment until it was time for me to leave for the airport. Thery and Courtney drove me to the airport and we said our goodbyes. It was really sad because this was the best time I’ve had in such a long time–I soooo didn’t want to come back. UCLA isn’t all that bad. There are some genuine people out there, and I’m proud to be able to call them my friends. I’ve a lot of work to catch up on now, but it was all worth it!

  • …eh…

    Today was another long day for me, but with some good sides to it along with some bad…

    I went to see my college advisor today and I’m happy to report that I’ll be done with my breadth requirements after this semester, and I’ll be that much closer to completing all 3 majors! Whew! It has been a trying 3 years thus far, but I’m glad that it’s almost done and I will have accomplished all the academic goals that I had set forth for myself. It will definitely feel good to be able to walk next year–just one more year!

    On a more personal note, I’m finding this whole being single again thing both invigorating at times, and absolutely frustrating at other times–most of the time it’s the latter. Anyhow, to a certain someone who may or may not be reading this, I’m happy for you and I wish you nothing but the best. Peace be with you.

    On a brighter note though, I’m going down to LA this weekend to see my film get screened for OutFest LA. I’m so jazzed about it! This break will be spent with friends and more friends, and is definitely coming during a time when I need them most. I’m going to wind up being behind in some of my schoolwork, but whatever, this will definitely be worth it! Ok, I’m not particularly feeling wordy right now, so I’m going to take care of some loose ends so I can at least try to get some sleep tonight. Ugh, so much to do, so little time…