…dazed and confused…

…I’ve walk around for miles on end, hoping that one day I’ll find my way home, only to find that I’ve been walking in circles…

This semester was supposed to be an easy one despite the increased units that I was taking. The classes weren’t hard or anything, and I did well in all of my classes, but it has definitely been one of the more emotionally taxing ones that I’ve had to endure. I don’t know what happened, but after spring break, things just started to get kind of murky. Not that anything bad happened, but I don’t think I ever recovered from spring break, I don’t know why…

Thus far, I’ve gotten two out of 8 grades back and they’ve both been A’s, so things are looking good. I finished the semester well in all of my classes and hopefully things will work out for my final semester here at Cal in the fall. I kind of regret not walking this spring with my class though, but oh well, it’s over now. I think I’m really over school now too. There’s so much more that I want to do that extends beyond the confines of this university, but it’s so hard because I still haven’t graduated yet, and I still have my honors thesis to write, argh!

I’ve really been in a state of limbo these past couple of weeks. I think it’s because I’ve really started to look at where my life is going more intently. I want to say I know where I’m going, but that would be a lie. I don’t think I’ve ever been more unstable and unsure about myself, and it’s scary. This is really new to me because I’ve always had at least one constant in my life, but there’s nothing now, more importantly, no one…

I know I shouldn’t wallow in my own self-pity or loneliness, but I think I’ve finally reached my critical point where I really miss the companionship of someone. I want to say that I’m strong and that I don’t need anyone, but again, I’d be lying. Dating hasn’t exactly been the easiest thing for me considering the fact that I didn’t get to do much of it prior to getting into a relationship, but I’m trying, and it’s hard. I don’t want to hook-up with anyone, and I guess I’m proud to say that I’ve succeeded in that area, but at the same time, I haven’t found anyone yet either. There have been some guys, but things are progressing so slowly that I’m not sure if they’re going to go anywhere. Why are bois so utterly indirect?! I just don’t get it, if we like each other, why can’t we just be open about it already?! Ugh, I’m frustrated. Why is it that the bois that I want are taking things so slowly, yet the ones who want me are so darn aggressive? Why can’t they be as aggressive in reciprocating my emotions and feelings for them? I’ll digress though…

I’ve been lonely as of late. It’s not only because I haven’t gotten to spend time with my boi, but also because I don’t feel like I have anyone to really talk to up here. I mean, I have friends and all, but I think they’re all so busy with their own lives and everything that I don’t want to impose on them, nor are they ever really available to just talk. I think this has been what has compelled me to be so introverted as of late. I honestly think that I’ve gotten to a point where I’m so depressed and closed up with my feelings and emotions that I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything anymore. I know this isn’t healthy, but really, I don’t know what to do, I feel empty. I wish Thery were here, we can talk about anything…

Work has been rather stressful as of late. I really hate working at Blue and Gold. It’s not enough that my summer is ruined because I have to work a stupid inflexible 40 hour bid, but now upper level management is cracking down on us and nitpicking at things like hair. I was told that my hair was getting too long and was too spikey. WTF?! Ok, I know it’s a bit spikey, but who the hell cares?! They said that I wasn’t projecting the conservative image that the company was striving for. What a bunch of bullshit! I’m sorry I’m not an old white man who didn’t go bald and wear a tupee like a fuckin’ prick to please your conservative white asses! My hair has nothing to do with my ability to sell tickets, and if you stepped into my shoes for just one day and tried to deal with what I have to deal with at that place, I swear you wouldn’t last past lunch! Whatever, I’m done, I’m so fuckin’ over this job. If it weren’t for the pay and the fact that it’s too late for me to do anything anymore this summer, I’d peace out already, but oh well, I just need to bare through until summer is over, then I’m done. Good bye and good fuckin’ riddance. I’m glad Sun didn’t take this job, I would never want any of my friends to have to go through what I have to go through…

I have Mondays off now, what a trip! I was going to work 7 days a week this summer and put in some 60 hours, but I’m only going to work 6 instead. Hopefully I rack up enough money so I don’t have to worry about much when I go to Hong Kong in the spring. I sooooo can’t wait to get out of this place. There’s been a lot of shit that’s been going on as of late, and I’m sooo ready to leave it all behind me…

A Grain of Sand

A speck
A tiny particle
Of unflinching insignificance

Forgotten and blown away
Like the memories
Of a painful yesterday

I’m drowning
Reaching for a tomorrow
That will never come

So small
Nothing matters
Invisible to the world

Mine is a lack of existence
Of disappearing footsteps
Through the sands of time…

(C) 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…waiting…

Spinning

The world spins and spins
Out of control
People go on living
As if nothing’s happened at all

It begins to crack…

As sirens blare in the background
Cars just keep passing by
Oblivious to the crying
Fading into the memories of old

It begins to crack…

A million and one around me
Two million and two to speak to
Words exchanged
And still…nothing

It begins to crack…

Time ticks
The waiting continues
The sand seems endless
But hope is not

It begins to crack…

So the rain pours
Like a long awaited storm
Drowning the noise
Flooding all those listening

It begins to crack…

Salty is the ocean of my heart
Filled from the tears of life
It grows as I wither
Covering ravenous scars too deep to touch

It begins to crack…

And so I fade
Like my dreams before me
Into an abyss of unnoticing eyes
And life goes on…

It is broken…

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…per la mia luce…

Alive

My emotions laid dormant
Atop a hill of solitude
Peaceful and oblivious
My soul tires of this lonely food

Lifeless and still
It aches for more
An unquenchable thirst
Seeking to settle the score

A beckoning call
Tugging at my innermost being
A Light shining from the East
That seems all too fleeting

What is this–
This burning within?
A flutter of emotions
Carrying me places I’ve never been

My lungs gasp for breath
After every engaged stare
A new addiction for life
More than a breath of fresh air

Can it be?
Is this what it feels like to be alive?
A pounding of my heart
Each time you pass by?

A tingling sensation
Of the depths of my soul
A melting of my inner glaciers
A flowering of my barren knoll

E sarà naturale come respirare
E sarà vero amore
Che guarisce il cuore
Luce dentro me nascerà

© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…one year older…

It’s done, I’m officially 22 now…damn I feel old, lol…

Yesterday was a rockin’ day for me. I went to work first and made money so I can save it for France this summer, then I went to the API Alumni-Student Reunion Dinner which we (APASD interns) all worked on. It turned out to be a huge success and everyone really enjoyed the taiko drummers at the end. A BIG thanks to Matt O. for doing so much for me to get the rest of the group to perform. It was definitely much appreciated. After the dinner, I had to rush home to help clean the apartment and get everything ready for the party…

The party was absolutely incredible! I couldn’t think of any better present than being able to spend time with my friends. Ericson came up for the party and friends from far and wide were there as well to help me celebrate yet another notch added to my life’s count. There was great music, totally cool people, and great alcohol. One of the highlights of the night was when I got lap dances from people. It was totally great because I totally didn’t expect it from these people, nor did my lap, hehe. One of the other surprising, and very abhorring moments in the night was when Ritchie, Justin, and Josh brought our my birthday cake. OMG, ok, I know I was red from the alcohol, but that picture of me totally made me turn burgundy. It was utterly mortifying to say the least, lol, but at least Herb was in the picture cake with me, hehe. All in all, I had an absolutely incredible time! My friends are seriously the best friends anyone could ever have and I thank God for them every day–grazie per tutti!!!

On a side note, I got to hang out with a certain someone throughout the evening and I was really glad he was there. Hopefully we’ll be able to hang out with each other more often…

…spring break…

I’m on Spring Break right now, although it doesn’t seem much like a break. The plan this break was to travel, but people bailed out on me at the last minute and so I wound up getting stuck in Berkeley instead. I decided to just work because I figured that I might as well be productive since I’m already going to be here. I kind of wish I had gone back home to SoCal, but oh well. I’m pretty irritated with work right now because we have to do this stupid project in which we have to merge duplicate accounts, and it’s a total pain in the ass. If we had only had the ability to merge all these people in the first place, we wouldn’t have to go through 2500 pages worth of this excruciatingly painful task now. Ugh, I hate inefficiency! On a brighter note, Thery and Courtney are flying in tomorrow night, so it’ll be a lot of good times when they get here. Unfortunately though, I couldn’t get out of the weekend shift so I’m stuck working at Blue and Gold. Perhaps they can go on a tour of Alcatraz or do some other touristy stuff while I’m at work, then we can party at night. I guess I’ll figure it out when they get here…

I worked out for two full hours yesterday, and that felt really good. I’m really trying to be consistent about working out, and thus far, I’m doing a good job at it. Hopefully the results will be more visible soon, but regardless, I’m feeling good about staying healthy and fit. Perhaps I’ll try to wake up earlier once break is over and actually do two hour workout sessions instead of the regular one hour sessions that I do, but that’ll require a lot of time commitment, so we’ll see…

I’m trying to be productive and do my work before Thery and Courtney get here, but I haven’t really worked on either of my papers. I have done a fair amount of reading for my English class though, but I still need to work on the script for my film class. Additionally, I think I’m going to be good and apply to a lot of scholarships while there’s still some break time left, but we’ll see. Hopefully I’ll get some, but it’s always so competitive. Oh well, I think I stand a good chance at winning some more scholarships though. With the threat of fees being raised even more for next year, I’m kind of afraid that I’ll really need these scholarships to stay afloat, but I guess I can always cut back on my spending so I don’t have to work as hard at keeping a positive balance in my bank accounts, but shopping is just sooooo much fun!!!

So I’ve been rather socially active as of late, although the whole dating thing is still rather new to me. It’s been about two years since I last dated and I think my game has aged a bit, that’s assuming I had any game in the first place, but yeah, I feel like a total newbie at it. There are some definite interests and potential that I see in some of these guys, but I think it’s too early to really be able to tell if anything will materialize out of it. I think I’m over my rebound stage and would enjoy the intimacy of being with someone again, but I’m going to try to keep my options open and not jump the gun. Ah love, such a complex emotion…

Complete

Sometimes I dream
That my life is complete
That I’ve everything I want
I’ve everything I need

When morning comes
I turn over to find
My life is complete
I have you by my side.

…the thrill of spontaneity…

Wow, this weekend was absolutely incredible…

So I went to Tahoe this past weekend to get in some snowboarding before the season ended, but I wound up learning to ski instead; it was a totally awesome experience and I caught on rather quickly. I left Friday night right after work and called in sick and got coverage on my other work shifts during the weekend, so I was totally in the clear. I still can’t believe I did what I did. I think I finally reached a point where I was just so fed up with the regular routine that I had set up for myself that I needed to break the monotony and just have some fun for myself. It was nice to be up there and not have to worry about anything. I went with Steve and John, and some SBQ&A people, it was cool to meet these new people. We got a cabin up there and basically chilled the whole weekend; it was amazing.

After skiing, we all decided to go to Reno to do some gambling. I gambled at the tables for the first time in my life…what a total blast! John taught me how to play craps and it’s not as hard as it appears. I basically won just by placing my chips down on the table, lol, but maybe it was luck too. After craps, we went to join Lee at the blackjack table. I had some difficulty with some of the signs that I needed to make in order to communicate with the dealer what I wanted her to do, but I eventually caught on. It was a good time and I came out on top for the evening, so I was totally jazzed. I can’t wait to go to Vegas to try out my newly acquired skills though–hopefully they’ll have some cheap tables to test out on though. I’m still not ready to drop anything on a $15 minimum table…

So in addition to the fun that I had this weekend, I also got lots of rest, which was definitely needed. Sometimes, I think I take on too much and over-extend myself, but is that such a bad thing? I’m still trying to find some middle ground where I can still do everything that I enjoy, and at the same time, not work myself to death doing all these things. It’s difficult though because I always feel that if I’m not proactive about all these issues, events, groups, etc., then who will it fall to? I guess I’m just a bit too aware of the privilege that I come from and want to give some more balance to my life–it’s the social activist in my I suppose…

My paper has been accepted for the Hawaii Conference for the Social Sciences, so I’m totally jazzed. I get to finally present my paper on Multi-racial Queers at a conference and get published–yay! I’m going to apply for a grant to see if the University will cover the cost of my expenses for the conference. Hopefully they will; it should be a fun experience and mini-break from the dull summer work I’ll be doing. Damn it, if I weren’t getting paid so much this summer, I’d so go and do an internship or something, blah…

I’m still going strong with my work out routine. I’m surprised I’ve been able to keep my regime up for so long, but I suppose this is a new side of me. Change is good, and I’m liking the results of this change. Though working out tires me some times, I think it’s totally worth it, besides, it’ll be nice to finally have totally toned and visibly ripped abs…yay!

Speaking of change, I’ve decided to grow out my hair and do something different with it. I’ve already dyed it a subtle red (you can only see it when the sun if reflecting on it), and perhaps I may choose to frost the tips later on, but I’m content with it for now. Change is good, life is good, and spring break is just around the corner…WAHOOOOO!!!!

…whoop whoop!!!

Damn I felt good today! This has by far been one of my busiest, and yet most productive days! I was on campus from 9am til about 10:30pm straight through with only the break of walking between classes to serve as my break. I missed finding out how to get my score for my integrative biology course, but I think I did ok and so I’ll find out from one of my friends later. I did my outreaching for APC last night for the API Faculty-Student mixer we’re having again as well as worked some connections to hopefully get us the San Jose Taiko group to come to the API Issues Conference. I think it would be so great if we could get them, so my fingers are totally crossed. Additionally, I also spent some time at the Berkeley Hillel just seeing how things were and interacting with some of the Jewish students on campus. They were totally cool and friendly and I’m really glad I went. Going along with bridging these cultural gaps, my Ethnic Studies 198 class if finally getting off and running. People are finally opening up and not holding back with their words, opinions, nor emotions. Today, my faith in humanity was re-ignited, people do give a damn, we all just have to give them the opportunity. To all my APC family, you all rock. I wouldn’t be anywhere without you all walking with me every step of the way. Today was truly good times! Here’s to many more!

…blown away…

No classes today, but I’m working on campus all day. It hasn’t really been busy so it’s been yet another chill day. For lunch, I went to the Multicultural Student Development Luncheon where all the interns for all the ethnic specific student development offices got to eat and socialize with one another. It was pretty cool because we all work in our respective offices, but never really get to socialize with each other. It was really cool socializing with everyone in this particular setting because everyone was just so real and wasn’t restricted by any of the titles or offices that they normally occupied, so it was cool. One of my GSI’s was there and it was so incredibly awesome to see her outside of her role as a GSI. I think we all have these preconceptions of what people are supposed to be and what they’re supposed to act like because of the roles and titles that they occupy, but we forget that they were young once, and some still are, and so it shouldn’t be a surprise that they’re just as down with everything–what a trip!

I went to work out early this morning as I said I would. I did a full 1 hour work out at 7am. I can’t even believe I was able to get myself up at that time, but it felt good. I like going really early in the mornings now. There’s hardly anyone there and so you don’t have to wait in line at all for the precor or any of the weight machines, etc. It was pretty nice to be able to work out in peace and not feel self-conscious or anything, but whatever, it was a good work out. I think I’ll be working out in the early mornings more often from now on…

My cables for my camcorder came today. I was happy because that means that I have the complete set now. I don’t have to bother any of my brothers anymore for their cables or anything; it was such a hassle. I look forward to finally being able to use and test out my cinematography skills, not to mention editing with Final Cut Pro. It should be fun, but I do anticipate a fair amount of stress and frustration with this stuff since I’m still a novice with it all though. Oh well, all is a learning experience…

Speaking of learning, when I was having dinner tonight, I tuned into a Dateline exclusive on the sale of little Khmer girls into prostitution back in Cambodia. As an Ethnic Studies and Asian American Studies major, I am very aware that sex trafficking is a big problem within the API communities, particularly in the Southeast Asian communities, but it just never quite registered until tonight. It was really hard to swallow my food as I was watching these little 5 and 6 year old girls being de-virginized, and essentially raped of their innocence, by these old tourists and perverted men. I was sooooo utterly disgusted! There was this asshole that was caught on tape who was an American doctor working overseas who goes to places like Cambodia just so he can pay $50 for like 3 little girls to suck his nasty ass cock and shit, and then claims that under US law, he did nothing wrong–as long as he didn’t go to these countries explicitly for the sex, then he’s not guilty of anything. WTF?! Is he out of his goddamn mind?! UGH! It’s people like him that make white Americans so hated all around the world. You fuckin’ prick, I hope one day your daughter experiences the shame that you put all these little girls through! Bad American aside, I’m also pissed off by the fact that fellow Khmers were whoring these little girls around as if their lives were so dispensable that they could just place a price tag on them like that. How can they do this to their own people?! What has become of our society and our people that a pimp or a madame could sell a little girl that could easily be their daughter into prostitution like that?! I thought Pol Pot was bad when he killed a third of our population, but this is utterly tragic. For the first time in my life, I am truly ashamed of being part Cambodian…

Mom and I are supposed to be going back there to visit for the first time since we left there back in the early 80′s, but I’m quite scared as to what I’ll see there. I need some more time to think all of this out, perhaps I may not be ready to go back yet…

I have work at Blue and Gold tomorrow, then afterwards, Justin and I are going to the grand opening of the new Apple store in SF! I can’t wait to see what they have there. Unfortunately, we can’t stay there that long though–I have to get back to the East Bay in time for my show shift at CalPerfs, ugh, oh well.

…too awake…

Hmm…so it’s almost 3am and I’m still wide awake, I’m such a freakin’ nyght owl…

I got up today at about 8:50am intending to go to my 9:30 class, but 9:30 rolled around and I just wasn’t feeling it. I decided to stay home and have breakfast instead, then take a nap until I had to meet my film group at 1pm. My sleep cycle has totally changed and I’m up at very late hours now–it sooooo needs to change; this is really not healthy for me…

My sleep cycle aside though, today was a pretty chill day for me. I went to my English class after I met with my group, then went to work, and wrapped up my week with my film class. We were learning how to use Final Cut Pro and I was so bored out of my mind because he was going over the basics of it since it was our first day going over it and all, but oh well, hopefully it’ll get more exciting…

So I’m trying to keep some of the resolutions I made at the beginning of this year and I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far. I’m starting to cook more, I even bought 2 new cookbooks to help me get more motivated with cooking. It is rather fun, not to mention affordable. I’m also going to the gym more regularly. I’ve started up a routine and I’m trying to go at least 3-4 times a week now. I went last week and spent most of it really sore, but I’m better now and hopefully will feel the burn more often, hehe, that way I’ll know I’m doing something right. Jose and I go every Friday after work, Jorge goes with me on Saturday, and I still need to find someone to go with me on Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. The plan is to have totally ripped abs and a great chest and arms by the end of this semester. I figure if I stick to my routine, it’s a definite possibility…

On the boi front, I’m pretty content with where I am with everything. Things aren’t progressing too fast and I’m really learning to enjoy myself. This whole dating thing is still pretty darn new to me, but I think I’m starting to pick up on all the social cues and what not. There are some seriously cute bois out there, and here I am with a fishing line ready to reel them in, hehe, j/k. So yeah, things are going well, and I’m looking forward to seeing where everything goes…

I think I’ll go to the RSF tomorrow before I go to work, then bake some brownies when I get home. Time for bed now…

…can’t hold me down…

So the conditions for today were utterly miserable, but surprisingly, my day still went well. First off, the weather was just absolutely shitty today. I had 3 midterms today, and the first 2 were back to back, beginning first at 9am, then again at 10am. When I left this morning, the rain was coming down so incredibly hard, and it didn’t even come down vertically, it came down at an angle so I got drenched. By the time I got to campus, every single part of my jeans were soaked, including my boxers underneath–not comfortable. On top of that, my shoes were just so soggy after that as well, and I don’t even want to start on my socks. Anyhow, I bared through it though and took two of my midterms in cold and wet underwear–not comfortable. Hopefully I did well on them, but only time will tell. I had to rush home though and change out of those wet pants before I went to my next class. I would never have been able to survive the whole day in those shoes and pants, and trust me, it was definitely miserable. Despite the weather though, the rest of my day went pretty well, although I was definitely feeling the effects of not getting any sleep the night before, oh well. By the end of the night, I was soooo utterly pooped out from my day that I decided not to go to core–big mistake, but hopefully I won’t have squandered anything away…

I had a good night tonight. I finally got to talk to my friends again, and made some new ones too. I’m looking forward to talking to them again. Ah, good times…