…winding down…

It’s funny how one minute you’re happy and free, and in the next, you’re not quite sure what hit you, but you’re definitely not feeling good…

The semester is done now and while it feels great to be free, I know that I will miss a lot of the friends that I made this year. Thank goodness for digital cameras and being able to capture the memories though. This has been both a fantastic and absolutely heart-wrenching semester for me. I don’t think my emotions have ever really been this active before, I’m so glad that it was only for a semester because I honestly don’t think that I could have dealt with 4 years of angst, depression, ecstasy, and anything else worth feeling all jumbled into one emotion…

My different groups of friends want to hang out before I head back down to SoCal. I was looking forward to it just an hour or so ago, but now I’m kind of feeling a bit reclusive. Gosh, I hate how my emotions have so much control over me. I don’t want to flake on them, but at the same time, I’m really not feeling in the mood to go out tonight, or any other night for that matter. I’m just not feeling too social at this moment…

I’ll be leaving for Hong Kong pretty soon. I can’t believe that in about 2 weeks time, I’ll be in a completely different country, oceans away from here. On the one hand, I’ll miss everyone, but I think it’ll be a good change of environment for me. It’s something new, something different, somewhere not here…

Again

Each night I go to bed
Eager for my chance to see you in my slumbering dreams
For you to scale the walls
That guard my heart
And make me believe
That I can love once again…

In my dreams
I am vulnerable
Each glimpse of your smile
Is a caffeinated shot straight through my heart
Awakening all my senses
And making me feel again…

But do I want to feel?
Each time I awaken
I find myself alone and empty inside
Clutching to a hope that’s as sure
As an earthquake
A “natural” disaster of my heart yet again…

Let me forget
Bind me with the ignorance that brings bliss
Numb my heart
So that it cannot feel
So that I cannot feel
So that I won’t hurt once again…

(C) 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…finals…

I soooooo hate finals! I sooooooo hate my Ethnic Studies 103A course! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind doing work, nor do I mind being creative, but there has to be some structure somewhere, and it’s been pretty much non-existent in this particular course. Argh!

I’ve been sitting in this same damn seat in the Free Speech Movement Cafe for the past couple of hours and I’ve soooooo not gotten anywhere with my paper. It’s supposed to be a 10-12 page paper addressing post-colonialism in some way, shape, or form, but that’s all she gave us to work with–not cool. Looks like it’s gonna be another all-nighter, at least I have pleasant company… ;D

…fuck the ASUC…

I just got my new pair of glasses and I’m still trying to get accustomed to them. You know that feeling of contorted reality you get when you’ve just put on a new pair of prescription lenses? Well, yeah, that’s what I’m going through now…

I know I’m a bit overdue on this, but I needed some cooling down time before I could sit down and write about the whole ASUC ordeal, that and I’m procrastinating a little longer from working on my final research paper for my ES 103A class…

So I’ve been working with the twLF/Ethnic Studies Collective for quite some time now, specifically focusing on the multicultural center aspect of it all. It all came to a head this past week. Our bill in support of a multicultural center and MOU was sent into committee on Monday, and I wound up spending 4+ hours arguing with the Student Action senators over why it was absolutely despicable that they were amending a bill that they were legally not allowed to amend. Long story short, we lost and all that time that I spent in committee was merely a foreshadowing of what would go down on Wednesday…

On Wednesday, it was AMAZING! So many people from our different communities came out and worked together as a real family! I can’t even begin to describe the pride I felt, nor the beauty that I saw that night. It really was a rainbow coalition and I’m so incredibly grateful that I was able to share in that experience. The ASUC (read Student Action Senators) were all assholes and posers. I’m sure most of you already knew that, but it baffles me how they are able to survive as a human being given the fact that they lack a moral conscience altogether. They’re all automatons, lemmings–all led by BCR-type racist idiots and pricks. As elected representatives, they have the obligation to represent their constituencies, but they failed to do that–they failed miserably. I’m thoroughly ashamed at our student government. They have used the name of students to legitimize their oligarchical control and I cannot believe that so many will stand by and allow such an injustice and crime to occur. I want so much to go into detail about what transpired that night, but it’s so difficult because it went on for so long, and so much happened that night. The ASUC is a joke, and I sincerely hope that the university puts them in their place. As a student, the ASUC does NOT represent me, nor do I believe that it represents any other student. I would not be surprised if the university yanks their autonomy, in fact, I’d be all in favor of it because there certainly isn’t anywhere to go but up from here. FUCK THE ASUC! They’ll get what’s coming to them!

more later…

…the struggle continues…

We won Big Game today, a good thing in the context of school spirit and morale, but how relevant is that to our lives? It’s funny how something like a football game is able to generate so much money and mobilize so many people to be at one given place at a given time, and yet we can’t even get people to be passionate about stuff that affects their own lives and community, like voting. I don’t get it, I honestly don’t get how superficial and mindless our culture has become…

As an activist, it’s frustrating to see that people of my community are more concerned with the outcome of frivolous things such as a football game than the usurption of their own rights and liberties. I’ve been working with the Third World Liberation Front and Ethnic Studies Collective for quite some time now to try to get a multi-cultural center on the campus, and a couple of days ago, I was quite disappointed in the outcome of the evening. It was a townhall meeting that lasted some 3-4 hours that seemed to undercut every step of progress that the core committee had worked so tirelessly to achieve. By the end of the evening, tears were shed, spirits were broken, and we had regressed at least five steps when we had only taken one. To say that I was disheartened by the outcome is an understatement. If people are going to criticize the work we do, you’d’ better damn well be prepared to be part of the change instead of whining like the little bitches that you are about stuff you haven’t even invested an ounce of sweat and time into!

I’m an angry Asian man and you do NOT want to fuck with me!

My Culture

Grab a seat
And let me tell you about
My story, my culture
Of struggle, of defeat
Of privilege, and of pain…

From the deep roots of Phnom Penh
To the shallow lands of the United States of Exploitation
Mine is a culture of struggle
While my people fight for food and existence
Y’all fight for oil

See, I don’t need you to tell me
How I should feel
How I should think
And what I need to do
I know my roots
Where I come from
And where you need to be
Out of my face
Out of my culture
And out of my business

Cuz see, my people
We was walkin’ tall and strong
Way before you came along
And our pride
It’s stronger than any shackles you can put on our hides
Cuz see, my people
We believe in our culture
A culture of resistance
Grounded in the blood, sweat, and tears
Of a work ethic you will never know,
Of a struggle only you can impose upon others
And still we rise

From carpet bombings
To carpet making
From weaving policies
To weaving rugs
Ours is a fight to survive
So don’t tell me about your White Man’s Burden
Cuz my back’s been breaking
Carrying your privilege
Your hate
Your standard of beauty
And your need to discriminate
So excuse me if I don’t sound like the Model Minority
Forgive me because I didn’t know 187+209 equals equality
I’m just trying to live in the land of the un-free
Where 9/11 justifies the suspension of our civil liberties
And to be different is death by democracy

My experience is something you will never understand
To walk a day in my shoes is something you can never withstand
See, for me, this is life…
Raw and real
No glitz, no glamour
No fake, no bake
No turning back
No escape
So take your blue collar “philanthropic” attempts to civilize my “heathen” race
And remember
My culture cannot be learned from a book
Because education comes not from the classroom
But from the struggle…

(C) 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim

…the Achilles heel of humanity…

I want to say that things have been going smoothly for me considering I haven’t written an entry in such a long time, but that’s just not the case. I’ve just been so extremely busy that I haven’t had time to really put my thoughts out into words, but I think it’s about time now to do so…

This month of November has been pretty hectic and crazy for me. Following my Halloween excursions in the Castro, I became ill and was pretty much out of it for about two weeks. I had this nasty little cough that just would not go away, and it’s only now getting better. I hate coughing, probably more so than having the sniffles. I don’t know, there’s just something gross about having all that phlegm stuck in your throat and having to constantly try to heave it out through dry coughs. Whatever, it’s done with. I had to call in sick to work that whole weekend because there just was no way I’d be able to make it out there. I was feeling just so totally shitty that if I had gone, I’d have probably just gotten my co-workers sick, and lost my voice in the process, so I thought it best to just stay home and recuperate. On the plus side though, I discovered that I had sick time to use. This was totally new to me because I had no idea that I also accrue sick time in addition to vacation time. This job is pretty sweet, minus all the clueless, nagging customers and the drama in the box office that is…

I had the first part of my root canal yesterday. It was not fun. Even though they gave me novacaine to help ease the pressure and pain, I still had to be awake during the whole procedure, so I spent it basically counting down the minutes to when it would finally be over. There was an amazing soreness that I got on my right jaw from having it open for so long. Again, not fun. After it was all done, they told me that they couldn’t finish it because one of my canals had been calcified, so they would have to send me to a specialist who could get into it. Great, not only do I have to pay more, but I have to go through the healing process all over again. Ugh! Thank goodness for dental insurance because I would be so screwed if I had to pay for all this stuff out of pocket. All this dental work: the root canals, bridges, crowns, etc. are coming out to be about $5000 worth of work, but fortunately, I only have to cover about 20% of it. Again, yay for dental insurance…

This past semester has been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I’m sure everyone is already aware of this, but I think I’ve just finally internalized the extent to which our emotions complicate our lives. I’m sure many would agree that things would be so much easier if we didn’t feel, but is that necessarily the way to go about it? Are the couple of days of sheer euphoria really worth it for a year’s worth of heartache and pain? I’m not quite sure I can answer that question right now. I want to be idealistic and say that all the loneliness and strife will be worth it once you find that special someone, but because everything is about timing, there’s just far too many factors that stand in the way of attaining that momentary happiness. This leads me to my next point. I have to apologize to the people that I’ve hurt this semester…

Given the fact that this was essentially my last semester at Cal, I knew that I couldn’t get into any relationships, but I don’t think my heart ever really listened, nor did anyone else’s for that matter. In the process of becoming friends and what not, feelings developed and people have been hurt, not just myself, but others as well. This semester’s been a vicious cycle in which various parties have fallen for others and the feelings and emotions just were not reciprocated. In a way, we were all holding out for the ones we really wanted, but not sure we could ever really have. In the meantime, we allowed ourselves to have safety people lying in wait, never really letting them go and being fair to them because we didn’t want to be alone ourselves. Yeah, I know, fucked up shit! Why is it that you wind up doing what you hate others for doing?! Damn I’m a hypocrite, I’m a fucking selfish hypocrite and all I can say is…I’m sorry…

I think this semester has really reified the fact that I need a change of environment. Hong Kong will be good for me, but once I get back, I honestly don’t think that I can stay in California for grad school. As much as I love it here, too many of my experiences are pushing me towards some place new, where I can start all over again without the emotional baggage of my past. It’s time for a change, and it’ll begin with Hong Kong…

…my two cents…

Everyone’s giving their two cents about the election, I think I’ll do the same…

I have lost all faith in America. I simply cannot believe that despite four years of despotic rule by a moron, people STILL voted to re-elect him into what is supposed to be the highest and most powerful office in our country! WTF?! People jumped down Clinton’s throat for simply being a man, and what do they do with a murderer like Bush? Serve him the most powerful country of lemmings in the world, and on a GOLD PLATTER at that! I don’t understand, I honestly don’t understand how anyone with any common sense could possibly support this man. All those religious relics who supported this man had better hope that all their praying will pay off in the end because they sure will need it. This country’s going to hell. I actually do hope that Bush fucks up this country some more though, mainly because I want every single person who voted for him to pay for it tenfold. We all had a responsibility to our fellow human beings during this past election, and most of America failed, and they did so miserably! A Republican House, a Republican Senate, and now a Republican Executive again; hope is clearly lost…

I’m physically sick. I think it’s because of Bush, my body is convulsing from the disgust I have for this man and his people, but I’ll digress though. So yeah, I’m really sick. The past couple of days have been really bad. I was really fatigued, and I had this really hacking cough that just would not go away despite dousing myself with cold and cough medicine. I had to call in sick this weekend because I just couldn’t handle going to work in the condition that I was in. Calling in sick is still a relatively new concept for me because even if I am sick, I’ll still try to work because each day that I miss is basically a hundred dollars down the drain–not good considering I won’t be able to work for a whole semester once I get to Hong Kong. Basically, I need to make as much money as I can now so I won’t have to worry about it when I get to Hong Kong…

Speaking of which, I’m less than 2 months away from leaving for Hong Kong. I’m a bit excited, but at the same time a bit scared because there’s still a lot of stuff that’s still up in the air. I still have to find someone to sublet my room while I’m gone for the semester, I need to figure out what I’m going to do with all my crap, I need to STOP shopping, I need to figure out my goodbyes, etc. I also have to buy my plane ticket still, but goodness, it’s so damn expensive, ugh! So much to do, so little time…

So I was down in SoCal last weekend for a queer Pinay conference down at UCLA. It was cool. I had a total blast while I was down there. I felt as though I was back in middle school and high school all over again being around so many filipinos, hehe. It was refreshing though, and it was totally a bonding experience. We got down there Friday night, then caravanned to GAMeBoi for a night of dirty dancing and drinking. There were only a handful of us that were over 21 though, so we pre-partied and that definitely got everyone in the mood to club. I didn’t really see anyone cute there that night, but it was fun nonetheless, mainly because we went in such a big group that we pretty much took over the dance floor wherever we went. In other words, it was good times. Trixie brought her camera, so we totally took lots of pictures and I’m so glad she did because I’m definitely going to treasure all memories we had down there. I love road trips! Anyhow, so that was Friday night. We attended the conference all day on Saturday, and then decided to go grab some food at Universal City Walk afterwards. It was cool to hang out there, but we were all dressed for SoCal weather, so we were totally freezing our asses off and decided to cut things short and go back to the hotel. We were all kind of tired at that point and decided that we just wanted to spend the evening in doing something that wasn’t too strenuous, so we had an orgy…

…just kidding, hehe. We didn’t have an orgy, but it was something almost as scandalous though. Glenn convinced us all to play strip poker, and that was a nerve-wracking experience. Anyhow, I wound up losing first, but we weren’t going to stop until everyone had gotten naked, and everyone eventually did. Of course then Glenn had the bright idea for all of us to go skinny dipping in the pool since we were all naked anyways. It took some convincing, but we all eventually went and that water was cold! Perhaps I’d have stayed in there a little longer had it been heated, but I was too nervous and all, so I just jumped in, swam around a little bit, then got back out. That experience will definitely be filed away as one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever done in my life, hehe. I’m glad I did it though, when else would I ever get to be so out of character?!

We drove back Sunday morning after we stopped by and got some breakfast at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffle in Hollywood. That was some good eats! We made good time getting back up here and that left me some time to rest before heading out to the Castro for Halloween…

We got a big group together to go to the Castro for Halloween this year and I totally had a blast despite being one of only a couple other people in our group who decided to get dressed up. I went as a bumblebee this year, and it was pretty fun. I had some issues with so many random people pulling on my stinger, but all in all, I had a good time. It was definitely too crowded, but I guess it wouldn’t really be Halloween in the Castro if it weren’t crowded. I got to see a lot of my friends while I was there, so that was nice. I’m not sure if I’ll dress up next year, but if I come across an outfit that would totally be cute, I don’t think I’d be opposed to dressing up again. More people will have to dress up with me though, I hate being the only one who dresses up because I just feel so out of place. Ah well…

Ok, I’m supposed to be studying right now, but I just don’t feel like it, argh! I even came to the library so I could avoid the distractions of being at home, but I just can’t seem to focus. I should force myself to do my readings though, it’s crunch time now…

…only through pain…

…only through pain can we arrive at progress…

I said that awhile ago, and it seems to be true. I’ve definitely gone through my share of ups and downs, but things seem to be looking better and brighter with each passing day…

I went back home this past weekend. It was refreshing, somewhat. I drove down there with Tony, and it gave us a good opportunity to learn more about each other. We crashed at Eric’s place and totally hit up GAMeBoi on Friday night. I was a bit disappointed with it though because the music wasn’t exactly all that, nor were the guys. There were some cute guys there, but it definitely wasn’t one of the better nights I guess, ah well. Saturday was Anne’s wedding, but of course there had to be some obstacles in my way because I knew things were going too well. So I was on the 5 freeway and we were slowing down because the lanes were merging. I stopped. The car behind me didn’t, nor did the car behind it. The result: me getting rear-ended. TWICE! Ok, not cool. I call 911, get a freakin’ ANSWERING MACHINE and get put on HOLD for like 10 MINUTES! By the time I finally got a live person, a CHP who happened to be going in the opposite direction and had seen us had already exited and turned around to help us. This is what our tax dollars are paying for????!!!! I want a freakin’ refund! Moving on with this ordeal though, the CHP basically took forever and a day to get the paperwork done and by the time we get on our way, I knew we were going to be way late. When I got to the wedding, Anne was already walking out with Junya, her new husband. I had missed the ceremony, the whole damn thing! UGH! And her wedding was the reason why I was going down there! I felt sooooo horrible. Oh well, she understood. Anyhow, I got to see some of my old high school friends at the reception. It was cool to see some of them again, although they really hadn’t changed much, especially since most of them all are only about 25 miles away from Long Beach. Sorry, but I needed that 400+ miles in order to find myself. I sincerely doubt that going to UCLA or USC would have really allowed me to be who I am today. Anyhow, so after the reception, we went to visit my old speech and debate coach. It was cool seeing him again, and he still totally remembered us. It’s always great when you go back to visit old teachers and they still remember you. It was nice to see the new additions to his family, I can’t wait until I can start one of my own…

So I finally got to experience Red Dragon on Saturday night. I can’t say that I was all that impressed. They didn’t have any hip hop whatsoever, and the crowd was definitely older. I’m not an age-ist or anything, but I’m sorry, I wasn’t seeing anything there. I think I was already tired from that day and the wedding, so it was kind of difficult to really feel anything at that club. I had a couple of drinks and then fell asleep at the club. I know that was bad of me, but honestly, I just wasn’t feelin’ the place. Gay bois need to seriously re-evaluate the types of music that they can dance to. If the dance floor is always flooded when you bump a good hip hop song, or even a good pop song, then why not pay attention to these hints and bump more of it?! I swear, some people are just dense! Ok, I know I should be respectful of other people’s musical tastes, but I’m sorry, one can only take so much house, trance, or dance remixes. I’ll be reasonable, I like country music, but just because I like it doesn’t mean that when we throw a party at our place, we play country music. Common sense people. Anyhow, I also had some weird gay bois hit on me while we were downstairs waiting for Eric to get the car. Michael and I had to pretend we were together to get rid of them, but alas, I don’t think they knew how to take a hint, ah well…

We had brunch on Sunday at Boba World in downtown Pasadena and that was cool. We went shopping afterwards and I bought these really cute pair of KangaROOS. Ok, so they were in the women’s section, and I was fully aware of it, but why, WHY did the salesperson have to double check to see what gender the shoes were for and then tell me, “Um, these are women’s shoes.” HOW DID I KNOW HE WAS GOING TO SAY THAT?! Why couldn’t he prove me wrong?!

“Gee Mr. Sexist-Salesman, I couldn’t tell by the pink signs that they were women’s shoes. Just get me a size 10!”

Gosh, heterosexist people can be sooooo ridiculous! Whatever, I’m over it.

So on our drive back up, I thought things were going well, but why was it that the feeling had to end? Just as I was beginning to enjoy the rest of the drive, I get a call from American Express telling me that apparently someone had been using my credit card. They had charged $400 on some stupid toy website on my card. First of all, I would never buy $400 worth of toys, shoes maybe, but not toys. Argh! I was so freaked out because I didn’t have my social security card on me and thought that it was identity theft. Fortunately, things worked out and are being resolved now, but gosh that was a scare!

I’m feeling pretty good right now. Most of my midterms are done now and there are just some logistical things that I have to take care of before I can put the rest of this semester on cruise control. I still can’t believe that I’ll be in a whole different continent in just a couple of months. On the one hand, I’m really sad that I’ll have to leave a lot of my friends here in the States, especially the new ones that I’ve just met and would have liked to have gotten to know better, but I’m savoring the moments we all spend together though. On the other hand, I can’t wait to leave because I really do need a change of environment from here. I’ve been in these surroundings for far too long and I desperately crave a change. I know it’ll be hard, lonely, and scary at first, but I think I need that in my life to grow more as a person. My life is starting to take shape and I want to make sure that it’s as well-rounded and balanced as possible. Here’s to new friends, experiences, and life!

…reality bites…

I hit a nasty little dip in my rollercoaster of life this past week, and although I survived, it wasn’t without a few harsh lessons learned. I’m usually not one to express my emotions publicly, I try to deal with my issues and problems on my own, but I’ve realized that no matter how hard I try, it is incredibly difficult to do so alone. I know I have to trust my friends more, but I think, like everything in life, it will take time…

I discovered some falsities in the advice I, and I’m sure many others, offer to their friends, and I’ll try to expand on them a little bit in this entry.

In regards to relationships and love, I’ve had people tell me that it’s ok to be single, embrace it, that I don’t need someone to make me happy. That’s partially true, but it’s mostly bullshit. The fact of the matter is that, although we go to our graves alone, we take the memories and love we have with people with us into the afterlife. It is an inherent part of who and what we are as humans to spend most of our lives looking for love, for that special someone to make life worth living, to make each breath worth breathing. It’s nice to date and all, but come on now, at some point in our life, we want that stability and peace of mind in knowing that we can always count on that one person who will love us no matter what, whether we’re assholes or angels. So I wanted to set the record straight, although we may be free in the physical sense when we’re single, our spirits and hearts are still bound by that raw desire to quench our thirst for love. It’s only when we’re in a relationship that we can break free from the cares of the world and society because, at that point, nothing else honestly matters. As long as we have the love from our significant others, then the world will continue to spin, and all will still be well…

Love really bites. It is both the greatest and the worst feelings in the world–all at the same time. I’ve always told people that if they feel that the person is truly worth it, then put your heart out on the line and see what happens. The main question has always been: is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all? I’ve always guarded my heart and protected it in all cases, but I have slipped up and allowed my emotions to get the better of me in some instances. Although those instances proved to be discouraging and painful, I am still of the school of thought that progress can only come through pain. Shit, I sooooo want to say the opposite, but I know that if you don’t take risks in your life, nothing will ever come of it. We have such limited opportunities to really make a difference in our lives, and love is such a wonderful treasure that it would be an utter shame if we didn’t even try to find it, which leads me to my next point…the search for love…

Ok, so I’ve told people that they shouldn’t look for love, that it’s always sweeter when it finds you. Reality check: when does that ever really happen? Our eyes are constantly wandering, and our hearts constantly searching for that one person who is able to capture our attention, superficially with the eyes, and spiritually with the heart. I think it’s time to stop fooling myself by trying to live up to and in an ideal life because it just isn’t possible. I will always be actively searching and looking for a potential guy, and not until I find him will my search stop. I just have to temper my emotions a little bit more and prepare myself for it all so as not to get jaded so often. I’m sure my skin will thicken over time, I just wish there was a less painful way of going about it though…

Hmmm…I think that’s all I have to say for now, I’ll add more opinionated/insightful points later…

…countdown…

…that I can talk and talk and to anyone listening, it’s only air–too rich a diet to be swallowed by a mundane world…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as of late, about life, about love, about life and love, just everything. I haven’t arrived at any formal conclusions, but I have realized that they both suck, for me at least…

I’m not perfect, I know that. I can’t do everything, I know that as well. So I wonder, what would the world be like if I weren’t here anymore? I doubt much would change. I know my family would miss me, and maybe a couple of friends, but as always, life goes on. I went up to the top of the hill last night and as I looked down onto the city and campus, I realized just how small and insignificant I was compared to the vastness of this world. The countdown begins…

…olvidalo…

…como el rio, mis lagrimas nadan con dolor… si, yo se que el dolor es parte de la vida, pero no creo que es justo que yo siempre necesito vivir con lo. Por solo un dia, quiero sentirse el sentido de amor. Quiero la paz por mi mente y mi corazon. Tengo mucho sueno ahora, todo lo que quiero es olvidar todo…