I should be studying for my LSATs, but I’m not. I’m tired, even though I slept for the majority of the day, so I’m writing an entry instead…

This weekend has been extremely crazy, not to mention lonely, but I guess it’s something I need to get used to…

I had my fraternity’s alumni banquet on Friday evening at the Faculty Club. I hadn’t been to one in a very long time despite being a recent alum. It had been about two and a half years since I was last in the house and being back there with the brothers brought back lots of memories. I saw a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of new ones as well. I sat with Aziz and we started catching up with how everything was going and at some point in our conversation, he told me that he had met me before he even joined KDR. He had seen my FYE where I came out to everyone in my speech, and then saw my frat brothers all come down the aisle afterwards to give me a group hug. He thought that was really cool, and it spoke volumes for the type of fraternity we were. I have to agree; I’m damn proud of my fraternity and the relationships I’ve built with my brothers. I didn’t get to bed until about 4am, but it was good to see everyone again…

Yesterday, Jan and I met up with Leo and company to see Berkeley’s Pilipino Culture Night. I’ve been to few PCN’s and, each time, they’ve always blown me away; I wish that were the case this year. I had been to USF’s PCN this year because Paul’s cousin, Katrina, was in it, and I thought they did a good job, but it wasn’t the best that I had seen. I knew Berkeley always did an amazing job and left me wanting more, but for some reason or other, I was quite disappointed this year. That’s not to say that all the efforts by everyone involved in this year’s PCN wasn’t appreciated, but I just know that it could have been a lot better. At this point, I’ll have to put up a disclaimer. I’m brutally honest and for the friends who were part of this production, don’t take this personally…

It started off with a pretty cool concept with the main theme of the program being reCREATION, but sadly, I felt that there was a lot lacking including cohesion on both a technical and cultural level. In terms of content, there were skits that were used where I just couldn’t see how it specifically affected the Filipino community as opposed to our society as a whole, so really, it just didn’t fit into the program, which by the way, ran for faaaaaaar too long. It was something along the lines of FIVE hours. I thought USF’s was long being three and a half hours, but dear lord, I wanted to scream because it was dragging on for so long. If the content had been better, it wouldn’t have felt as long, but the fact that there was no real cohesion to the whole program, and the fact that there were moments of awkward silence because either the live orchestra, the lighting crew, or the stage crew just weren’t ready helped to make the program that much more long. I’m not sure if they were using their own lighting crew or Cal Performances’, but they were off almost the whole night. In what I would have rated as their best skit of the whole program, where they talked about Filipino maids overseas, the content and message were there, but because the lighting was off at the end, people wound up laughing as opposed to feeling the solemnity of the whole situation. In addition to the lights, I had issues with the mics too. You could totally here the whispering going on in the back, and at one point, one of the stage crews had to run across the stage to get a mic to one of the performers. Yes, I know that this was a student showcase/production, but so were the other PCN’s that I saw and they definitely were more professional than this year’s. In some of the dance routines like the coconut dance, some of the performers were looking at each other to figure out what they needed to do next. The Igorot dancers, usually one of the highlights of the program with their intensity and male bravado, made me yawn. Lastly, this year’s PCN was utterly disappointing because instead of celebrating Pilipino traditions and cultures, they resorted to cheap laughs and insulting other ethnicities and cultures. In all of the PCN’s that I’ve been to, I’ve never once heard another culture being put down or used in a racialized manner, but this year’s program referenced both William Hung and Yao Ming in what I felt was a demeaning and denigrating way. Yes, I understand that it was all in good humor, but there are more tasteful ways of doing it and without the need to insult other cultures, especially since one of the main messages being conveyed is about respecting the Pilipino culture, a bit hypocritical no? Anyhow, despite all the bad things I’ve mentioned, I still believe in the spirit of what these students do, which is why I continue and will continue to support it. It’s not only because my bf is Filipino, but because a fair amount of my friends that I grew up with and a lot of my friends now are Filipino, and I truly admire and respect their culture. That said, A for effort, and I’ll leave it at that…

Paul left for his reading in Hawaii on Thursday and I’ve had to go this whole weekend without him. Ugh, I hate distance. I hate not having him here with me. I hate the fact that in just a couple of weeks’ time, he’ll be 400+ miles away, and I hate that I’m not prepared for it, although I know that I’ll never be prepared for it. It’s just really hard because I’ve been spoiled with having him with me every day this whole time, and soon, I won’t have that luxury anymore. How cruel is life to dangle someone you love in front of you only to rip them away from you prematurely and leave you there standing all alone again? I talked to a good friend today and he asked about what Paul and I were planning to do in the future, and all I could tell him was that we were going to take it a day at a time. It seems like these past six months have just flown by, but I just know that as soon as he leaves me, every day is going to be excruciatingly painful, long, and of course, lonely…

Yes, no one ever said life and/or love was easy, and I must agree…

Lastly, I’m up to $300 now in donations for my Cambodia human rights trip. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to my cause! I’m still way short of my goal of $5000 though, so if any of you want to help out, I’d greatly appreciate any amount, just click the button below. If you get an error message, just send the paypal funds to Just2Tyght@yahoo.com. Thanks!

• 4:35 am
• 6 Comments

Ruth, Paul, and I went to see James Blunt on Thursday. Of all the concerts I’ve been to, this one definitely made it into the unforgettable category–not so much because of his performance, but rather because of the audience. I have never been to a concert where the people were more rowdy. The two opening acts kind of sucked, and it too a really long time before James came out. We got there about 3 hours before the show to make sure that we would have a good spot on the floor, but it wasn’t until the evening progressed that we really should have sat up in the mezzanine level–away from the crowd and chaos. We were in the second row, standing the whole time. It wasn’t so bad when the opening acts were there, but once James Blunt was about to come out, then the crowd got obnoxious. I don’t think there’s any real concert etiquette out there, but I think it’s high time for it. These people reminded me of the tourists I encountered when Paul and I were at Hong Kong Disney–no sense of respect for other people’s space whatsoever. These stupid little high school girls pushed their way through to the front just behind us and started to dry hump us at the beginning of his set and thought that it was funny. I was not amused. Fortunately for them, I had toilet paper stuffed in my ears (because I had forgotten my ear plugs) so they weren’t all that annoying to me. They were little bitches humping my back, nothing more, nothing less. Oh but wait, that wasn’t the exciting part of the evening. So as the evening is winding down, this totally drunk woman starts pushing her way through towards the front as well, but is stopped by the equally annoying, albeit tamed, teenage girls. I’m not sure if she was trying to push her way through so much as she was so drunk that she was falling forward and couldn’t really ever regain her balance. Anyhow, she kept pushing onto Paul, and Paul kept having to push her back. The teenage girls also started getting irritated and started yelling at her as well. The retard wouldn’t stop pushing, so I leaned back to tell the teenage girl that now would be a good time to go crazy and jump and scream and “accidentally” step on her toes and what not. Unfortunately, it was too loud in the concert hall, and she mistook what I said as a suggestion to pour her bottle of water over the pushy woman’s head; she did so without hesitation. The woman was shocked and then proceeded to throw her drink all over the teenage girl in front of me, but because of her drunken state and bad aim, got my whole back shoulder wet. One glass of alcohol wasn’t enough for her though, so she took her friends glass as well and threw it at the girl, again missing, and again hitting me. The teenage girl got a little wet though and turned around and shoved the woman, then she swung and connected with the woman’s face. The drunken mess of a woman fell on her ass and then tried to crawl up towards the stage only to be stopped by my friend Ruth. We helped her up, she took a couple of minutes to gather herself, then pushed the teenage girl that had shoved her, then ran away like the drunk pussy of a bitch that she was (pardon my vernacular). Audience drama aside, the concert itself was rather good. I really like James Blunt and his music. He’s quite sincere and humble. One of the most memorable songs of the evening was “No Bravery”. He sang it to video footage that he had personally taken when he was serving in the British army in Kosovo. He had so much passion when he sang that song, and it was absolutely wonderful to hear such authenticity and sincerity in his voice. If you haven’t gotten a chance to listen to any songs in his album yet, I’d definitely recommend getting it–it gets two thumbs up from me! My personal favorites are “You’re Beautiful,” “Billy,” and “Goodbye My Lover.”

Speaking of goodbye, Paul will be leaving for LA soon. He’ll be starting up with grad school at UCLA this coming fall, but he’ll be going back home to LA this May so that he can start saving up money. I can’t believe how quickly my time with him is dwindling. It’s hard because we’ve never really gone a day without seeing each other, and now, the closest I’ll get to him will be via the phone and aim. It’s funny how we’ve only been together for 6 months, and yet I feel so close to him. I find myself staring at him quite often, wondering how this magnificent person could have come into my life, and how quickly the future is pulling him away from me. At night, I often find myself waking up just to watch him sleep, as if every moment my eyes are closed are the moments that I’m losing with him. I guess it’s true, time stands still for no one, but I don’t need time, I have love…

This year, my birthday fell on a Friday, and unfortunately, I had to work, but little did I know that there would be little and big surprises along the way that would make it the best birthday EVER!!!

Paul had asked me throughout the week what I wanted to do for my birthday, but I never really care about doing much for my birthday. I guess I’m pretty simple in that way. The only thing I ever really want for my birthdays are to be able to spend it with the ones I love; that’s not asking too much right? Anyhow, I started the day off at work with a hot catered breakfast. The partners at the firm had coincidentally ordered a hot breakfast for the whole firm that morning to thank us all for our hard work. It was really nice because I normally don’t have enough time to eat breakfast in the morning, let alone a hot one. After that, my co-workers bought me some flowers and then they all took me to lunch. It was really cool because it was Friday and everyone was just really relaxed and was ready for the weekend as well. After that, my attorney and other co-worker broke out into song and dance to wish me a happy birthday, haha. I was so embarrassed, but they were really cute, haha. Throughout the day, I got really sweet voice and text messages from friends wishing me a happy birthday. Aww, I have the bestest friends in the world, hehe…

Paul and Rachel picked me up after work, and then we dropped Rachel off at a dinner she had to be at. At this point, I was still under the impression that we were just going to have an intimate dinner, then go home and sleep, but little did I know that this mastermind had something up his sleeve…

I had fallen asleep during the car-ride to dinner and awoke to find us driving down Folsom Street. I asked him where we were going, and he said that we weren’t going to Ruths Criss for steak, but that he wanted to try some new place out. We passed by the club Dragon and found parking and then proceeded towards a restaurant near there. I opened up the door and started to go in, and then he pretended to look at the menu, then pulled me out and said that he wasn’t feeling the food there. So we kept walking for another couple of feet before arriving at Triptych. I had noticed that there was a big long table there, but clueless me, I still didn’t know it was for me, haha. As I walked in, I saw Milo first, then Sheening, then Anna, and then it all made sense. I immediately turned to Paul and smacked him, softly. We had a fantastic dinner and I was really glad to see everyone, but Paul wasn’t done…

After the dinner, we all went over to Rachel’s place, where I was greeted by even more friends. OMG, at this point, I didn’t know what to expect. They brought out two cakes, lots of alcohol, and it became a really awesome surprise party. They put a lot of candles in the cakes–I think it was to remind me how old I was getting, haha. It took me 3 tries to blow out the entirety of the candles, but I got it done, haha. The best part of the whole party was the fact that I got to see and hang out with all of my friends in one place. From HK friends to Blue & Gold friends, from college friends to gay friends, it was awesome to see them all! After the celebration, we went to Dragon to heat it up on the dance floor…

We totally got to Dragon at just the right time and beat out the crowd. My friends bought me lots of drinks once we got there, and it was just a fabulous time. My old roomie Josh and I danced like the old days and I got to meet new and cool people all around me. Yes, this was an unforgettable birthday, and I would have the rest of the weekend to enjoy it, hehe…

Here are some pics from this amazing weekend!

The Dinner

My PB and me!

Jan, Tommy, Jonathan, and me

The gang!

The Party

Good friends

More good friends

The Bois

Danny & Rachel being fabulous!

Tiffany, THE BEST half gay homie!

The Terrific Trio: Fred, Rachel, and Paul

The Fabulous Four: Wai, Steph, me, and Jan

V is for…

Aww, HK buddies forever!

The cake!

…ready to blow…

More pics will come later, so if any of you have other pics, please send them to me. Thanks!

Anyhow, a big thank you to all of the people who either showed up for my birthday dinner/party/clubbing, emailed me, texted me, called me, left me a voicemail, and/or contributed to my Cambodia fund–which you can still do, just click the button below–again any amount is greatly appreciated.

yay

It’s more than just puppy love!

…sleep, I NEEEEEEEEEED SLEEEEEEEEEEP…

…so Mr. Sandman, please bring me a dream…

I’m in early at work again, and I don’t foresee getting to go home early even though it’s Friday. I didn’t even leave the office until about 6:30 last night because we had to deal with a client who’ll be transferring to China in the next couple of weeks and so I had to translate for my firm and the company over in Hanzhou. It was a bit rough though considering my Mandarin is comparable to that of a 5 year old, but at least I got it done. I definitely need to brush up on my Mandarin though, I momentary lapses into either Teochiu or Cantonese when I couldn’t think of a word in Mandarin, haha. Geez, I need to just go live abroad in like Taiwan or Shanghai for a year or so, I think it would do me good to be back in Asia again. Anyhow, back to the work thing, so there’s always lots to do and never really enough time to get it all done. Welcome to the real world? Yeah, I guess I’ve arrived…

I don’t think I’ve posted pics of my new worksite yet, so for your enjoyment, here it is. My wonderful little cube…

zhi shi wo de mingzi (I think that’s right, but my pinyin sucks now, haha)

my cube when I first started

my cube after only a week!

So yeah, my cube is a lot messier and full now, but I like it. I still need to put up some pictures and what not, but I just haven’t had the time between this job and doing my films. Speaking of which, apparently they’ll be using it to show to banks and what not to persuade them to create more lending options for low-income and affordable housing, so now I have to mass produce it and have it all ready by next week–fun huh? Geez, I need a production crew and assistants! Any takers? My next documentary project is already in the works. I’ll be working on philanthropic and foundational giving. This one is going to be a biggie though and they’re planning to screen it to policy-makers and what not, so I’ll definitely have to make sure I allocate a sufficient amount of time for that project. We’ll see how it all goes though. I’m just a little concerned about time right now because LSAT’s and Cambodia are coming up.

Oh yeah, so I’m going to Cambodia this summer. I’ve been selected to be part of a human rights delegation to go there and work with the locals and help them understand that they have rights and how they can get the help they need. I won’t necessarily be preaching democratic values over there, but I will be pushing for them to understand that they need to separate themselves from corruption and realize that they’ve put our people through hell and back already and enough is enough. I don’t care if they’d like to continue with their facade of a democracy, as long as it doesn’t come at the cost of innocent lives. Anyhow, I’m really excited, but scared at the same time. I haven’t been back to Cambodia since we left it almost two decades ago as refugees. I’ve been trying to psychologically and emotionally prepare myself for this trip, but I’m slowly realizing that such a task is essentially impossible. No matter how hard I try, I don’t think I’ll ever really be prepared to take in all that we had to endure while we were there. This trip is going to be amazing though and I can’t wait to be back in Asia! I need to start saving up now though, darn flights to Cambodia are uber expensive. Unfortunately, the whole program and flight are self-funded, so I’ll have to find a way to raise funds for all of this. I need to raise about $5000 by July, so if any of you would like to donate to my cause, you can send payment to my paypal account at just2tyght@yahoo.com. Alternatively, I’ll also be selling a cd of world music through the non-profit I’m working with, where half of the proceeds from my individual sales will go towards off-setting my program fees. You can purchase it here! Just make sure to include my name in the memo part of your payment. Thanks!

Ok, I’ll update more later!

OMG! I’m done, I’m finally freakin’ done with my documentary! WHEEEEEEEE!!! Yes, as of last night, I finished the final cut of my incredibly tedious and draining documentary on low-income and affordable housing. I screened it for my program director today and as soon as I get approval from the Executive Director, then I’m all done. WHEEEEE!!!

Chicken Wing came to visit me this week. She was rockin’ the bay with her nerdiness. Work it giril! We’ll be partying it up soon enough when you start back up here for school.

Work is crazy as usual, but ah well, c’est la vie.

Wow, this has got to be my most disconnected entry ever, but whatever, I’m feelin’ the tangents, haha.

I came across this song and it just brought a smile to my face–put things into perspective for me, so I thought I’d share it! Enjoy!

…rock and a hard place…

I’ve spent all day in my room trying to work on my film, but I haven’t gotten very far. Every time I started to get somewhere, the thought of moving again crept into my mind and I was distracted and depressed all over again. I’m so frustrated because I just don’t know what to do…

I wrote my last posting when my emotions were running high, and I guess I shouldn’t have been as harsh as I was, but that’s how I felt at the moment. The anger has subsided somewhat, but I’m still clueless as to how I should proceed with this situation. I don’t want him staying here because he feels guilty because then he’ll just be miserable and I don’t want him living here if he’s gonna be miserable. At the same time, I really don’t feel like moving, but I know that we have to come to some kind of compromise…

We finally had our follow-up talk as to how we both really feel and we’re both a little more clear about the situation at hand, but still clueless as to what will happen in the following weeks/months. He reassured me that he won’t run out on me, and that, in turn, made me really ashamed of myself for thinking that he would do that to me; I should have known better, but given my previous roommate experience, I honestly just don’t know what I should think or believe nowadays…

Since finances are my main concern regarding moving, I did make one concession. I told him that I’d be willing to move if we could wait until mid-May or so and give some of my friends who would live with us the opportunity to graduate first, that way we could look for a bigger apartment in a better area, but still be able to keep rent low. I’m thinking this would be the best choice because even though I love living where I’m at, I think I would wind up living with a stranger, and I’m not too comfortable with that. Additionally, I would want to live with some of my other friends, and I guess moving would present that opportunity, but UGH! I STILL HATE MOVING! The very thought of having to move again is so incredibly draining in and of itself…

The other alternative still remains though. If I can find someone who I’d be willing to live with, then I would just stay and he would be free to move. He’s willing to pay a premium to live in a more centralized and social location, and unfortunately, I can’t afford that given what’s in my future. Man, being an adult sucks. I just want to run away to Taiwan and teach English!

Man, I need to quit bitching and get back to work though. I’m gonna finish this freakin’ film this week if it kills me!

…the silence…

…I couldn’t look up at him. I couldn’t look at his face anymore because I was afraid of what might happen. Every ounce of my body felt tense and defeated, but I had to hold on. I knew I couldn’t let him see my emotions, it wouldn’t be fair. On the car ride home, there was a deafening silence that was powerful enough that it stirred my innermost fears and made them surface. All I could do was stare out the window and watch as the windows of my soul began to succumb to the whirlwind of emotions, but still, I fought to hold on. When we got home, he decided to take a nap and I decided to join him, thinking that these would be our moments–rare and dwindling. We cuddled, and with his touch, the floodgates of my soul broke. I knew this would happen; it was inevitable, but I was in denial. Now the pillow bared the stain of my pain, and it will forever serve as a reminder of the intensity of love that I have for him…

No, Paul and I didn’t break up. Nothing like that. He’s going away to grad school and we both knew it was coming; it was just a matter of time. Over dinner a couple of nights ago though, he told me. He’s planning on moving back home in May to just live at home and save up until he has to start in the fall, so we only have another couple of months left with one another. Man, it’s already hard enough when I don’t see him for one day, but for him to be 400+ miles away, I’m just going to be miserable. I want him to choose what’s best for him, I honestly do, but that won’t stop my heart from feeling the solitude. I can’t think straight. I feel so lethargic. I don’t want to do anything. I’m staring at my unfinished documentary and there’s absolutely no motivation whatsoever for me to finish it because it reminds me Paul. So I guess I’m at another critical part of my life, once again marked by another cliche–if you really love someone, set them free. Not that I have any choice in all of this, but I do want him to be happy, and I don’t want to be the source of any of his regrets. One day at a time, I suppose. We’ll work through this…together…

…8 to 5:30…

Ugh, I’ve never felt more tired from work before. I was supposed to just train this whole first week, it was supposed to be lax, but it has been anything but that. One of my teammates is leaving at the end of the month, so I have to take over all of her cases and files, so I trained for all of maybe half a day on my first day, and after that, they just kept tossing cases and files at me. My cubicle was empty when I started on Monday, and now it’s packed full of cases and what not. Geez, these people are intense! Yeah, I’m catching on, but it’s just so overwhelming, and pretty soon, there’ll only be two of us on the team–not cool. I’ve been coming in earlier and staying later, and I’m just pooped out by the time I get out. When Paul comes to pick me up, I’m usually so exhausted, I just fall asleep in the car until we get to either the restaurant or back to my place. Man, if this is what corporate America is like, I don’t like it one bit! I hadn’t anticipated this job taking this much out of me, but it is and now I’m behind in my other work…

I’ve delayed my film some more, but I have to get it done by the end of this week. I can’t drag it out any longer. It’s such a pain in the ass though because I still have to interview the Executive Director of our organization, but now that I work Monday through Friday, it’s incredibly difficult to find time to head out to the East Bay to interview him. I’m gonna have to think of something so I can get this done this week, but man, that’s just more to add to my already fatty plate of things to do. At this rate, I’ll be obese from all the things on my plate. Adding to the existing stress created from having two jobs, it’s also tax time and I need to send all my stuff to my sister. This wouldn’t be such a difficult thing to do if it weren’t for the fact that I have all my crap scattered everywhere from the move; I’ve still yet to settle into my apartment and room. Again, it’s something I must get done by this weekend because I’m running out of time…

Paul and I went to see John Cleese tonight after I got off work. We left at intermission though because I was so tired, I fell asleep through the whole first half and it just didn’t seem worth it to stay for the whole thing if I was just gonna sleep through it anyway. Not that the guy wasn’t funny, but I was just really pooped out. Besides, most of the asides he was making were in reference to a time not mine–my generation was Saved By The Bell, not Monty Python. Sorry Mr. Cleese, the tickets were meant to be a birthday present for my friend who totally loves you, but she couldn’t make it and I didn’t want the tickets to go to waste since I already paid for them. Ah well, c’est la vie…

Alrighty, time for this old man to hit the sack…