February 28, 2006
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…the silence…
…I couldn’t look up at him. I couldn’t look at his face anymore because I was afraid of what might happen. Every ounce of my body felt tense and defeated, but I had to hold on. I knew I couldn’t let him see my emotions, it wouldn’t be fair. On the car ride home, there was a deafening silence that was powerful enough that it stirred my innermost fears and made them surface. All I could do was stare out the window and watch as the windows of my soul began to succumb to the whirlwind of emotions, but still, I fought to hold on. When we got home, he decided to take a nap and I decided to join him, thinking that these would be our moments–rare and dwindling. We cuddled, and with his touch, the floodgates of my soul broke. I knew this would happen; it was inevitable, but I was in denial. Now the pillow bared the stain of my pain, and it will forever serve as a reminder of the intensity of love that I have for him…
No, Paul and I didn’t break up. Nothing like that. He’s going away to grad school and we both knew it was coming; it was just a matter of time. Over dinner a couple of nights ago though, he told me. He’s planning on moving back home in May to just live at home and save up until he has to start in the fall, so we only have another couple of months left with one another. Man, it’s already hard enough when I don’t see him for one day, but for him to be 400+ miles away, I’m just going to be miserable. I want him to choose what’s best for him, I honestly do, but that won’t stop my heart from feeling the solitude. I can’t think straight. I feel so lethargic. I don’t want to do anything. I’m staring at my unfinished documentary and there’s absolutely no motivation whatsoever for me to finish it because it reminds me Paul. So I guess I’m at another critical part of my life, once again marked by another cliche–if you really love someone, set them free. Not that I have any choice in all of this, but I do want him to be happy, and I don’t want to be the source of any of his regrets. One day at a time, I suppose. We’ll work through this…together…
Comments (12)
Awww sweetie
You’ll be alright. I mean, if you can live w/ me being 3000 miles away.. ok I won’t crack a joke. But you’ll pull through. Take care 
Thats very touching. Distance is such a physical limitation and relationships exist on so many more levels then that. Don’t forget the rest of Gibran’s quote “… for if they return, they were always yours”
*hugs* i’m feeling that way too. but you two will work through this! physical distance is hard…but at least there’s still phones, aim, text messages, emails, and even good ol fashioned hand written letters and packages.
PMO’s leaving for his career betterment. You need to focus on your work too and relocate, when necessary. Let me get you souffle this weekend.
aaaw ty! *hugs* be strong! love has a funny way of playing out sometimes, so keep that hopeful attitude and technology will do wonders to keep you in touch as well! <3 lub u much.
you were supposed to finish your film! just because you let it go, it doesn’t mean that it won’t return to you. you’re too perfect. i wouldn’t want anybody else. there’ll never be a season where our thoughts and heartbeat will not meet.
*hugs* … I hope you guys will continue to stay strong.
oh ty…
you will find that you will become stronger from this experience… cheer up dear. i’m always around for you.
I’m so sorry about your situation Ty. Hang in there and do your best to be strong. I’ve been thru the same rut, and I can tell you I know how you feel.
Smile Ty
You know what, try to make the best of the situation. Have you considered law school in SoCal? Who knows maybe the both of you might end up going to school together. But don’t be sad …
awww…you’re a good man ty! i’m sure you and paul will work through this for sure!
ohhhh noooo…when are we gonna double date???? we have to do it soon then!!!!
send my best regards..t.care.