January 4, 2005
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I’m on the plane right now, half-way across the Pacific, and about to write a new chapter of my life…
The culmination of my last semester in Berkeley didn’t go quite as smoothly as I had anticipated. Academically, things were perfectly fine; I didn’t have much trouble whatsoever with my courses and was able to get more involved with the issues and organizations that have been such an integral part of my activist side. It’s funny, though, how the academic part of it all wound up playing second fiddle to my emotions and feelings…
I finally started to date again this semester. There’s a false stress on the “again” because I never really got to date much prior to Chris, so I use the term lightly. In any event, to say that this game is rough is an understatement. Emotions are such an utterly difficult phenomenon, almost as complex as humans themselves. I want to say that after having been in a long term relationship of two years that I know how all of this works, but that would be far from the truth. In terms of dating and understanding how this game works, I’m about as clueless as George W. Bush is about running this country. It’s funny how we meet certain people in our lives and think that they’re “the one,” and yet we’ve hardly lived long enough to even legitimize that notion. We search and search for the most compatible being, but in the process of doing so, our fantasies and dreams escape out of the world in which they exist and project themselves into our reality, onto someone who may not necessarily be the ideal person for us, but whom we’ve willed ourselves to believe is the ideal person. The heart is a cruel, cruel thing. I’ve learned my lesson though…
Through all the trials and tribulations of the heart this semester, I’ve learned that I need to keep my emotions in check. No this doesn’t mean that I’m going to be more reclusive with my feelings, but it does mean that I will be more careful with them. Yes, I want to take risks and chances with people, but those risks will not come with a string attached so tightly to my heart. I think Thery brought up a good point when she made the distinction between a crush and someone you’re truly into–I don’t know what you would call that; I don’t want to say love because it takes more than a chance passing in one’s life before you can actually use that term, but you get the point. It is funny how life and love play out though, you always wind up hurting those you supposedly care for the most…
So here I am, sitting in business class on a flight to Hong Kong where I’ll be staying for a whole semester. I’ve left everything I’ve known–friends, family, familiar surroundings–all for the unknown, for what lies ahead. I can’t say that I’m not scared, but I am ready. I’ve been away from home for 4+ years, lived abroad in Europe, Australia, and now Asia, learned how to love and be loved, felt what it’s like to have your heart broken, and through it all, I’ve survived, albeit a bit battered and bruised. I am ready…
