November 16, 2004
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…the Achilles heel of humanity…
I want to say that things have been going smoothly for me considering I haven’t written an entry in such a long time, but that’s just not the case. I’ve just been so extremely busy that I haven’t had time to really put my thoughts out into words, but I think it’s about time now to do so…
This month of November has been pretty hectic and crazy for me. Following my Halloween excursions in the Castro, I became ill and was pretty much out of it for about two weeks. I had this nasty little cough that just would not go away, and it’s only now getting better. I hate coughing, probably more so than having the sniffles. I don’t know, there’s just something gross about having all that phlegm stuck in your throat and having to constantly try to heave it out through dry coughs. Whatever, it’s done with. I had to call in sick to work that whole weekend because there just was no way I’d be able to make it out there. I was feeling just so totally shitty that if I had gone, I’d have probably just gotten my co-workers sick, and lost my voice in the process, so I thought it best to just stay home and recuperate. On the plus side though, I discovered that I had sick time to use. This was totally new to me because I had no idea that I also accrue sick time in addition to vacation time. This job is pretty sweet, minus all the clueless, nagging customers and the drama in the box office that is…
I had the first part of my root canal yesterday. It was not fun. Even though they gave me novacaine to help ease the pressure and pain, I still had to be awake during the whole procedure, so I spent it basically counting down the minutes to when it would finally be over. There was an amazing soreness that I got on my right jaw from having it open for so long. Again, not fun. After it was all done, they told me that they couldn’t finish it because one of my canals had been calcified, so they would have to send me to a specialist who could get into it. Great, not only do I have to pay more, but I have to go through the healing process all over again. Ugh! Thank goodness for dental insurance because I would be so screwed if I had to pay for all this stuff out of pocket. All this dental work: the root canals, bridges, crowns, etc. are coming out to be about $5000 worth of work, but fortunately, I only have to cover about 20% of it. Again, yay for dental insurance…
This past semester has been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I’m sure everyone is already aware of this, but I think I’ve just finally internalized the extent to which our emotions complicate our lives. I’m sure many would agree that things would be so much easier if we didn’t feel, but is that necessarily the way to go about it? Are the couple of days of sheer euphoria really worth it for a year’s worth of heartache and pain? I’m not quite sure I can answer that question right now. I want to be idealistic and say that all the loneliness and strife will be worth it once you find that special someone, but because everything is about timing, there’s just far too many factors that stand in the way of attaining that momentary happiness. This leads me to my next point. I have to apologize to the people that I’ve hurt this semester…
Given the fact that this was essentially my last semester at Cal, I knew that I couldn’t get into any relationships, but I don’t think my heart ever really listened, nor did anyone else’s for that matter. In the process of becoming friends and what not, feelings developed and people have been hurt, not just myself, but others as well. This semester’s been a vicious cycle in which various parties have fallen for others and the feelings and emotions just were not reciprocated. In a way, we were all holding out for the ones we really wanted, but not sure we could ever really have. In the meantime, we allowed ourselves to have safety people lying in wait, never really letting them go and being fair to them because we didn’t want to be alone ourselves. Yeah, I know, fucked up shit! Why is it that you wind up doing what you hate others for doing?! Damn I’m a hypocrite, I’m a fucking selfish hypocrite and all I can say is…I’m sorry…
I think this semester has really reified the fact that I need a change of environment. Hong Kong will be good for me, but once I get back, I honestly don’t think that I can stay in California for grad school. As much as I love it here, too many of my experiences are pushing me towards some place new, where I can start all over again without the emotional baggage of my past. It’s time for a change, and it’ll begin with Hong Kong…
