February 6, 2004
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…memories…
Today was slated to be a rather long day, and of course, I wasn’t disappointed. I went to my classes as usual and I knew that I had some kind of assignment due, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what it was. Anyhow, so when I got to my English class, I asked one of my classmates if we had anything due, and sure enough, we had our proposal for our first essay due. I was sooooo praying that the professor wouldn’t show up and, sure enough, 20 minutes later, this little woman walks in and tells us that our professor is sick and that we can go. I was like, “oh man, someone up there likes me!” hehe. Anyhow, after that, I took care of a lot of errands and am pretty much caught up in terms of taking care of loose ends, for now at least…
Film class was pretty long today, as usual; we always go over time on Thursdays since it’s our lab time and we still need to figure out what we’re doing and all. Anyhow, I’m not sure who I’ll be working with, but I’ll be working on another short dramatic narrative and will be casting people soon. I’m really going to try to get the script done early this time so my actors have time to rehearse the lines really well and get familiar with it. Hopefully I’ll have a good group to work with, but regardless, my friend Miles said that he’d help with the editing. Thank goodness for Miles because I hate editing!
In the middle of film class this evening, I got a startling call from someone. I looked at the caller ID and was utterly surprised and shocked to see that it was Sebastian. I haven’t heard from him in a while and thought that we had had a falling out. We haven’t talked for a couple of weeks now and I just thought that he was ignoring me or something, but he says that he’s just been really busy. I’m not sure what to make of that, but I can’t exactly say much since I haven’t gotten the full story from him yet as to why he’s been incommunicado all this time. Whatever though, I’m not holding my breath…
So I was listening to some music this morning while I was getting ready for class and all of a sudden, Westlife’s You Can’t Lose What You Never Had started to play. I hadn’t listened to Westlife in a long time, but this particular song had a significant impact on my life during a time when I was really confused about my sexuality. So back in high school, I had a crush on one of my best friends, Jessica. We had known each other since middle school and became really good friends in high school. We went to all the dances together and even spent the summer in Germany together as well. Anyhow, I really fell for her and I told her how I felt, but she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I spent the next couple of months just so absolutely depressed about it all, but then I realized that I never really lost anything because she was never mine to lose in the first place. Although I’m not going to dismiss my feelings and emotions for her, I didn’t exactly have any valid points for moping around so much. Anyhow, I think I’ve reached this point again. There are certainly crushes and feelings that I have for certain guys, but I think I’ve been trying too hard to try to fill this void in my heart, and in the process of doing so, I’ve set myself up for falls that are absolutely unnecessary. I think it’s ok to have feelings for others and to be attracted to them, but I really need to be careful about falling in love with the hope of being in a relationship again and learn to enjoy just the company of that person instead–nothing more, nothing less. There will always be times in my life when I’ll just want that extra human touch, but I started out on this journey in life alone, and whether I have someone in my life or not throughout this journey will be irrelevant; I will finish this journey–I will stand strong, as hard as it may and will be, I will stand and fight…
