February 5, 2004
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…life’s little bumps…
It’s 2am and I’m still up, not necessarily by choice, but up nonetheless…
Today was such a long day for me, and the week will only get longer from here on out. As for school, I was able to get everything in on time despite pushing it to crunch time, but it all got done and I’m happy with what I’ve been able to do. I’ve been staying up on my readings–well, in a couple of my classes, and in others, I guess I could be more studious, but it’s so darn difficult trying to get everything done on time, but I digress…
So I was engaged in a multitude of deep conversations throughout this evening. The first one was with Thery and in regards to my personal life. Since my break-up with Chris, the road to recovery has obviously not been easy. Although I hear that he’s doing well and probably getting serious with some other guy now, my wounds are still very fresh and all the Neosporin in the world couldn’t help this wound heal without a scar. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces and shards of my life, but ever so often, my hands are slipping and I wind up cutting myself–dripping blood and tears everywhere. I want to say that I’ve moved on, but at random times during the day, I’m still finding myself thinking about him and what we had. Memory is a double-edged sword that has wound up being my foe one too many times. Anyhow, I realized while I was down in SoCal this past weekend just exactly how lonely I had been. Being able to hang out with Jimmy and the rest of my friends this past weekend was one of the best times I’ve had in a very, very long time. I wanted so much to be able to just stay in his arms, but I’m not sure if the feeling is mutual, and I’m not sure he nor I am ready for a relationship–especially a long distance one. Thery says that I should wait, but then the question of “how long?” comes up and I’m back to square one because I don’t want to show to the guy that I’m less interested in him than i really am, but it’s oh so complicated. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. In the mean time though, Thery recommends that I take things slowly and just date casually first. I’m trying to do that, but it’s really weird because I’ve been out of it for so long, I’m not exactly sure of the hints being passed on to me, and whether they are in fact signals and not just nerves firing. Regardless, I will be biding my time more carefully, along with my attention…
The last conversation I had of the night was with a couple of my roommates regarding another roommate. More on that in a little bit, I’m kind of pooped right now and falling asleep at the comp…
