February 5, 2004
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…streams of consciousness…
Gosh, I’ve been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions as of late and it just doesn’t look like it’ll be ending anytime soon. I really hate this feeling of not knowing what is going to happen or where I’m going. I want to say that things in my life are going well, but the truth of it all is that I’ve never been more unsure of myself in my life. Whether it be in regards to my academics, my love life, etc., there just doesn’t seem to be any clear and easy answer at all. I wish life wasn’t so complicated, but then again, it wouldn’t be called life right? Anyhow, so I’ve noticed that my life has been filled with cliches–what a bore! I guess they’re called cliches for a reason, but still, being able to describe so many of my experiences with so many cliches is absolutely scary, but I digress!
Today was a good day for me, long, but good. I went to all of my classes and even stayed awake for all of them–it’s not easy to go from 9am-11pm every Wednesday, but whatever, thank goodness all the really long 3 hour classes are entertaining! So in my Asian Am. 20B class today, we were watching this video about Filipina mail order brides. It was soooooo utterly tragic! The men who were going after these women and exploiting them were so gross!!! They were abusive assholes who couldn’t get a woman on their own, so they had to buy one and exploit her poverty and desire to help her family–all in the name of satisfying their White hegemonic fantasies of personally conquering and subjugating an exotic island girl! How FUCKED up is that?! I’m sorry, but abusive men have absolutely no place in this society and are merely wastes of skin–y’all need to just go shoot yourself now, you’d be doing the rest of society a favor! I digress though. After class, my friend and I decided to go grab some lunch with each other and just talk. We got to know each other better and it was really nice to just be able to talk to him. Pending weather and all, we’ll probably go play tennis with each other some time this week, but we’ll see. My schedule is starting to fill up now as the semester wears on, and I’m still trying to get all my work done before I leave for Hong Kong, but I’m on track and doing pretty well…
I recently realized that I’d be in Hong Kong for Valentine’s Day. Not that it matters since I’m not with anyone right now, but I think that if everything does work out, I won’t necessarily be alone in the emotional sense, but whatever, we’ll see…
So I’m beginning to realize how fucked up things are/were, certain ex’s, certain bois, certain roommates, certain people. I could spend the time and effort to bitch about them, but I honestly have better things to be doing than to sit here and complain about them all, so for now, this brief little window into my psyche will have to suffice…
