January 24, 2004
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…waking up…
Today was an extremely long and tiring day for me, both emotionally and physically. I didn’t have any classes today, but I worked all day today, from 10am until 10pm–at least I’m making money to save up for my trip to Hong Kong. I spent the majority of the day talking to customers about our cancelled show this weekend for Paco de Lucia, but most of them were pleasant, so it wasn’t too bad. I had one bitchy customer though who thought I was a telemarketer, so he kept hanging up on me. I hope he shows up on Sunday with his whole family so he can look like a fool because he didn’t want to hear us out, but I digress…
I got into the film class I interviewed for. The GSI said that she would notify us by email if we got in, and if we didn’t receive an email by noon, then we didn’t get in. I checked my email at 12:15 and didn’t see anything from her, so I spent the majority of the day moping and feeling a bit depressed about not getting in. I had had a good feeling about it and everything, but alas, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be, and then maybe it was…I came home from work and ran quickly to my computer to check my email, and lo and behold, I had gotten an email from her at 12:35pm. I got into the class! I’m sooooo absolutely jazzed about getting into this class because the professor is such an incredible filmmaker and activist. I’m soooo grateful for this opportunity!!!
So like I said, today was pretty taxing on me; actually this whole week has been pretty hard–not really because of my classes, but more on the personal level. I’ve been feeling kind of alone as of late, as if no one really understands me or cares to understand me. I know that I have friends to talk to, but it doesn’t feel right. There’s a growing emptiness inside of me that has always been a part of me all my life, except it just happens to be taking shape again as of late. My friends all have their own lives and are doing their own things. All the while, I’m stuck in this limbo stage where a pool of water divides me from them, and I can’t reach out to them for fear of rippling that delicate divide. I’m drowning, swallowing gallons of loneliness and reality, but I don’t want to swim…
Reality
Frustration and pain
Pity and shame
With nothing to gain
I flounder…Guardian of solitude
Soldier of silence
Empty with gratitude
I hunger…Good intentions
Shattering moral conventions
Feeding carnal directions
I fade…Emotional rides
Lingering prides
Ebbing tides
I cower…Winds of cold
Experiences of old
Destroying my mold
I break…Victim of reality
Follower of destiny
Clouded by clarity
I am…© 2004 All Rights Reserved Ty J. Lim
